Longing For Refreshing

This painting truly depicts the desire of my weary heart these days. How I would love to find a place just like this. A wilderness place far from the cares and stresses of everyday life, surounded by angelic beings waiting with me the Arrival of the Desire of my heart. I want to be found faithful Lord .

In real life though I sit here burning c.d.'s for my good friend Bevy. I have just finished a very long three weeks of work. I am so tired, that sleep eludes me. Earlier in the evening I attended one of my classes, also a nice break from the stuff that tears at my soul.

I am so tired of grieving. I am tired of being with my seniors, and wonder what the heck am I doing ???? A few days ago my Mr., who has been declining further into the abyss of Alzheimers began to show increasing aggression and aggitation.

It was verbal not physical, but some of it, in his confusion was directed at his little wife. I could feel it in the air. This really pressed some of my buttons I can tell you. All I wanted to do was to protect her , and it was only later that I realized the incident had triggered deep places in my own memories. Yes, it still happens! Things from the past get triggered at unfortunate times .

My Mr.'s anger was being misdirected at his wife, but really, he is very angry with himself. In the rare moments the 'real' person surfaces for a few minutes he expresses his self loathing that he has become a 'gibbering idiot' as he called himself.It is so very sad, and I do not begin to understand the mystery or the purpose of any of it.

All I really know is that the Lord sees it all. Everything. He sees these dear people, He knows that I do not want to do this any longer, He knows what His plan is. I just wish He'd tell me.
I will confess one thing though....I have reluctantly learned to play Fish, and I actually enjoy this crazy senario once in a while. Bizzaro World !!!!! Speaking of which....

My little pal Sam has been challenging my ingenuity in finding ways to get his pills into him. A few times when he would not eat, I tried to force the tiny half a pill past his teeth and down his throat. Well.... he has learned to fight me really well on that one , so well in fact that I stopped trying .
It seemed too mean and cruel and besides that his little teeth are still very sharp and can he hold his mouth shut !!!! I am just trying to find the right medication for his pain relief so he can be comfortable. He has some good days and some not very good days.

So I remembered his favorite food is chicken, and bought him his own little pieces of bar-b-que chicken. That worked and I rejoiced, until Sam found the little pill and deftly spit it out all the while not losing any of the chicken. He is brilliant at manoevering that thing out of his mouth. Have I mentioned that I am very tired these days, I wonder why Lord ?????

This weekend Sam and I are heading to Toronto to visit my son and his beautiful wife. Sam will meet Maggie.


Do not be deceived by the sorry look on Sam after a recent bath, for when he meets large and very friendly and playful Maggie for the first time I know I will be very embarassed. Sam does not know that he is a very little dog, and he does not realize that he is sick and dying. If he did I am sure that would not make much of a difference to him. I have the feeling that he will want Maggie to know just who is really in charge at least vocally anyway.
My wonderful son has ensured me that Sam is welcome and that Maggie can handle anything. I just hope I can! I will bring a 'time out' towel for Sam just in case.

Funny how talking about our pets can cheer a girl up. Thanks Lord!