I Wish I Understood

This is my Aunt Kay and Aunt Teresa, both now in heaven, Praise the Lord!

Today I received a call from my work, to take a shift that I don't usually have. Needing to make a living wage I accepted, and cut an hour from my school class to get there in time.

The lovely lady I cared for today has more advanced Alzheimer's than my clients that I do on the weekends. This Lady lives in a facility, a very nice facility, with others who also need the full time care.

I was not prepared ! I was definitely not prepared .

My Lady today cannot speak her words coherently any longer, so I could not understand her wishes, except to try to interpret by the tone of her voice.
I walked the halls with her, holding her hand. I changed her under garments, fed her dinner, and dressed her for bed, tucked her in, and said a small prayer over her, as she wept.

When I looked in her eyes, I saw my Aunt Kay. My Aunt Kay passed away over a year and a half ago from Alzheimer's.

In this ward, there were about twenty or so patients, men and women. One lady at our table was being fed by a worker, and her food was all over her mouth , like the way babies eat.

I thought of You Jesus. I tried to imagine the God of Creation, my Lovely Savior, hidden in her, with food smeared all over His mouth, and He unable to clean it off Himself. It was difficult. It is too much!

These dear souls walking the floors,( at least those who are still able to walk on their own,) having no comprehension . The man in the wheel chair, with the trachea tube hanging down the front of his shirt trying to mouth wordlessly to me, something I could not understand.

I don't understand anything. What is it about being human, that at the end of our time here on this side of eternity, so many of us are in this sad situation, and yet somewhere , somehow, there is a Sovereign plan unfolding for each of us.

I just keep thinking I don't understand, I am not qualified to do this.

Thank the Lord there are many wonderful workers who cheerfully meet the needs of these dear ones as best they can. They do a really great job, and serve these mostly forgotten ones with compassion, wit, and dedication.

I admire you, but I do not think I can be one of you.
How do you handle the pain ?
Yours at beholding this.
Theirs at enduring this ?
How do you keep your own heart soft in the face of this suffering ?

I wish I understood the "Why" Lord ?

It has been an interesting though tiring few days.

Last weekend I worked a lot of shifts, filling in for some as well as doing my own.
By Monday morning I was toast!


I was moaning to God how 'I can't do this any more'.....

My clients are lovely. One suffers from Alzheimer's Disease, and the other has Dementia. I was with them many many hours. It really is living in a different world. Not only meeting their needs physically and naturally, but existing in their 'world' or 'environment.'

Their main activity during most of my shifts is watching television after their day, and before bed time. The problem is they are both hearing impared , and at this stage of their diseases, they cannot comprehend a lot of what t.v. land has to offer.

Therefore, the t.v. volume is up to the max. and they keep changing the channel every few minutes looking for the news.

I do try to help them find the nine and ten o'clock news before bed time, and anything that will keep their interest like funniest home video's. I just discovered they like baseball as well.

While all this is happening I sit nearby at the dining room table close at hand . Sometimes I read.

This weekend I was attempting to study. I was reminded of the scene in the old Robin Hood movie , when he was trying to find the target with his arrow, and Maid Marion whispers in his ear, 'can you do it amidst distraction?

'Ack!! No whispering happening here ! Distraction ?....definitely !

All this to say, I was 'done' by the end of my shifts. I had been mentioning to the Lord that I would like a 'real job', so I could sleep regularly, and have a constant income.

On Monday morning, My Lady is telling a story at the breakfast table.
( I actually think she had dreamed this)

"I went for a walk, and met this neighbor who we used to live beside in Oakville. He was very rich, then, (here they try to remember how he got rich in the first place, but they could not remember, though they did know his name.)

He was buying a paper, and didn't have enough money on him, so he asked me if I could help him with a little change to buy a paper. So I gave it to him.
IT FELT SO WONDERFUL! I JUST HELPED THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD!"

My Lady's face was bright with a huge smile as she recalled this feeling, and I was pierced through by the Word of the Lord.

Yes, He IS the richest man in the world, and chose to remind me that he needed me here for a season, though it is just small change to me, He is in need... and I would rather be at His feet somewhere else. Hmmmm.....

Anyway, a good lesson for me, and I felt much better once I got some sleep.

I now have my official student card I.D. and have begun my Computer Upgrading classes, which I am enjoying a lot. Tonight I had my first test on Medical Abbreviations. Yes, I did memorize them and will know my mark next week.

Thursday, Sam and I are heading to Trenton to see our friend Lillian. I have been reading her 'The Old Curiosity Shop' by Charles Dickens. Lillian has macular degeneration and is legally blind, so she enjoys these times when our imagination can see into another time . I don't think Dickens knew or cared much for a lot of punctuation, I seem to be finding, at least in this book.

Small Change eh ? Hmmmmmm........

Reflection

This past week I had the opportunity and priviledge of working an earlier shift with my overnight Lady. I worked from three until nine p.m. and then did the overnight. This afternoon/evening shift is very different in that I prepare an evening meal and get to take my Lady for a walk twice during this time frame.

The location is a small village about twenty minutes from here. A lovely picturesque little town with a river flowing through the centre of it.

My lady loves these walks.

Funny how the Lord can give us a 'ministry', and all the while, HE knows that it is actually these circumstances specifically designed to work His changes into our lives.

My Lady (89) suffers from dementia, a type of short term memory loss.
I overheard her talking with her husband (91) the other night,( I am required to listen ) concerning the challenges they have in remembering,( he suffers from early alzheimer's ) and the daily care they require having someone always present in their home.

Sometimes they experience great frustration. A word won't come to mind, or the same questions are asked over and over and over. Loving and tender words once whispered sweetly, now spoken loudly into deaf ears. These aging hearts remember that love still lives here.

My Lady was heard to say.'I am just so thankful, and I just enjoy everything.' And she really does! She has a wonderful sense of humor, and when we go for a walk, she soaks in as much as her impared vision will allow.

The bright colour of the flowers, the grass, the trees, the birds, the water flowing quietly in the evening as we sit and observe. People are friendly, smiling and waving to her , sincerely happy to see her.

The simple things. This Lady who cannot remember a few moments before in time, the Lord has used to teach me something lovely.

The need to stop and become aware of the small and beautiful moments, even while the world around us is at war, and remember that His eye is on the sparrow, and upon my Lady and myself as we walk the hidden places in an obscure little village somewhere in Southern Ontario.

I find myself smiling a lot more when I am with these dear people. Thank You Lord Jesus and thank you my Lady, you have blessed me today.

Seasons Change

In the fullness of time ....God
Blessed be the Name of God forever and ever....
HE CHANGES THE TIMES AND THE SEASONS; He removes kings and raises up kings;

He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding.
He reveals what lies in darkness, and Light dwells with Him.

Lately I find myself crying out more and more for these things.
Wisdom. Understanding. Knowledge. Light.
The Light of His Presence within and upon my frame.

I have just finished working a seven day shift of overnights, combined with some short day shifts. Yes, I am toast ! The world is in a state of war, gas prices are soaring, and yet we are somehow compelled to go about life as if all of these things have no affect on us directly, except for the gas prices .....give me a break !

I wonder at the contrast between the big picture, trusting that the Lord has it all in His very capable hands. The little picture being the strange world I find myself in with dear people on the edge of eternity who have little or no remembrance of what they had for breakfast this morning, and who ask many times as I am dressing them, what day is it ? And your name is ?

I wonder if in my own life I have tried to change the times and seasons in my own strength. Grasping the vision or the dream, and in my zeal, finding myself in the position of Joseph, who perhaps unwisely shared his dream prematurely.

Then I read Psalm 105:17.
He sent a man before them, Joseph who was sold as a slave. They hurt his feet with fetters, he was laid in irons.

Until the time that his word came to pass , the word of the Lord tested him.

All that to say that when I seem to think all I can see is the mist obscuring my vision, the veil lifts for a brief moment, and the purpose is revealed again.

The goal of the Lord I believe is to form us to be His Image Bearers, and in so doing create those who will be trustworthy in the coming days to walk in His power and authority without defilement. Clothed in the character of Jesus , walking as He did in abandonment to His Father and jealous for His Glory.

So I am tested over and over again, as these things are being worked into my being.

When I understand this , I am at peace once again, even though I do not understand the journey towards this goal.

Here in my home town that is not really home any longer, I am very aware that I am not who I used to be. Faced with the many memories of my past I am confronted with the choices to once again, forgive, and leave all bitterness and wrath at the cross, and at the same time finding those places in me still alive with the pain of brokeness and betrayal.

So I will press on as best I can relying on Mercy to carry me .

Follow Me

There are times when mere words are inadequate. This is one of those moments.

Too Tired to Talk

I just finished three over nights, and my body is freaking out with fatigue. I do not get much 'rest'.

Before I went to work last night though I checked out a Vineyard house church in town. A lovely little group of people. The worship was refreshing. But...... I am ruined !

Ruined for the Real Thing ! My One Thing ! After IHOP how can anything compare to the reality I have come to know .

Why do people need a book written by a man, when THE GOD-MAN is longing to reveal Himself ?

Blessed

The Lord has placed me in a home to help care for a senior couple. Mr. is 90 and My Lady is 89 years old. This is a totally different world. Mr. is suffering from Alzheimer's , but he is still able to function in his home. My Lady, has dementia , and uses a walker since breaking her hip last year.

These are a most amazing couple. They have been married 65 years in July, and are still so much in love.

My job has been working from 9pm. to 9am. That means I sleep there, in a room upstairs. There is a monitor that I must keep on in order to listen during the night if my Lady needs to get up. Sometimes, her husband forgets she needs help, and that is when she is at risk of falling.

I wash her and get her ready for bed, then she goes to the couch where she sits holding hands with Mr. and watching t.v. until bedtime. They have been doing this for years. When the time comes for bed, I tuck her in and Mr. gets himself ready. They both have a lovely and spirited sense of humor.

My favorite part of all of this has become their foot care. I love putting the lotion and creams on their feet. Isn't Jesus amazing ? I imagine how a soul can be touched when someone performs this act of care, without guile. I love it!

Jesus has ministered to me in this way many times by His Spirit. I weep with awe, as He gazes into my weary soul, kneels at my bruised and broken feet, washing and kissing me with His touch of loving understanding and compassion. Directing my feet into the less travelled paths, He touchs the forgotten ones, and the ones who have forgotten.

Hope rises in my heart, when I listen in the night. I am in a place of intimacy, as I am priviledged to hear these dear ones whisper rather loudly, (since they are hearing impared, and I have the monitor) their loving 'goodnight kisses.' Even in the state of forgetting, some things , for now, still remain very sure. I am so very blessed Lord.

Mr. will declare every morning at breakfast, "the best thing that ever happened to me is sitting in this kitchen". My Lady giggles like a girl, and returns the sentiment.

There are sad moments to be sure, when Mr. wearily complains how he cannot remember his way around his own house anymore. My heart breaks at his 'troubling'. I wonder silently to God.

The other night, My Lady lovingly declared to Mr. 'we have had an amazingly wonderful life.' his response was, 'Had ? We are in the midst of it!'

It really is another world, and puts this short time here on this planet, in the eternal perspective. Thank You Jesus for this place of priviledge. I love You!

Brief Update

I have started my new job here working for home Instead Senior Care. My clients are very sweet, and the actual work is not difficult.
My problem is that I must listen for activity from their room in the night , in case my lady needs to get up.
Well that's not the problem.... the thing is I am sleep deprived already and I am just starting my third night.
My head is spinning. I think I am getting too old for night work and to not have a rested night .
I don't know what to think at this point, so I will make myself some strong coffee for now. I must be crazy ......Help me Jesus !

Calm Down My Soul

The hour is late here, but I am winding down from the spin out I have been on since I arrived yesterday.
I am grateful to whoever is praying for me.Thank you so much.

Today, (Thursay) I had my job interview and it went very well. I start on the 9th. of June.
In the meantime, I am trying to solve my dog sitting dilema, during this latest transition period. Sam is a good dog, but has had many changes to cope with these days, and I don't feel comfortable leaving him here alone yet.

I have decided to calm my soul a bit, and try to get a grip on my emotions which are fragile with fatigue and stress . The lady who is renting this room to me, is nice, and we talked things over today. I have decided to stay here for a while, to get my job going, and see how that goes for a few weeks.

My room still needs a lot of work, but I asked her to just leave it for now. There are no blinds /curtains on the windows. I have a bed , but that's about all for now.

What do mercy and grace look like ? Trying to think the way Jesus would in these circumstances, and remembering that He is Faithful, and that all this was no surprise to Him, only to me.

So, at the end of the day, I will trust Him, and try to let Him work His Image and Likeness more into my character through these testings. I feel better tonight, and the grip of fear has lifted. Thank You Lord.I Love You.