The Good the Bad and the Ugly

I will save the good until the end.

This past weekend I was working with my Senior Lady, getting her ready for bed and all that goes along with that task. My lady uses a walker to get around, and I follow closely behind or beside to guide and protect her.

So, Sunday evening while heading from the commode to the bed, a distance of perhaps two to three feet, she starts to loose her balance and tumble backwards. I am there , trying to catch her, or break her fall. She is a dead weight heading for the carpet, not actually dead`of course, but really heavy.
The next thing I know we are both on the floor in a pathetic kind of heap. I am worried whether she has injured herself,so naturally I check her out.

She is fine ...amazing ...this has happened to me twice now with this Lady. The thing is there is a dreadful pain in my own foot, and I remember that as I was leaping to save her, my foot collided with the metal of the sturdy commode, knocking it over and causing the severe pain I am now experiencing, but cannot acknowledge, due to the fact that I am busy with My Lady.
Thank the Lord, He gives His angels charge over us, for I need all the help I can get!I call her husband to come and help me get her to her feet and together we succeed at rescuing the dear Lady from the floor.

Later I limp off to bed to ask the Lord ...Why am I here again ?????

See Nancy's sore foot that causes her to limp like Jacob did.



My poor foot....not pretty I know.... No, I did not get it checked, and yes it may have a little fracture in the metatarsal bone along the outside. See, at least I know the anatomy of my foot. These classes are really paying off. Just to prove it see below.



Seriously Lord .....what the heck am I doing ?

This afternoon while studying I learned two new words.

basilysis - the crushing of the base of the fetal head to facilitate delivery
basiotripsy - the crushing of the fetal head to facilitate delivery.



Today is abortion day at the hospital here in town. Oh God ! Forgive us !

These children need You as their Judge. Come Lord Jesus! Is. 63.

Now I feel I must clarify this for Rebecca. These babies need Jesus to come and bring His Justice to bear on their behalf. This world is in need of Soveriegn Intervention. Abortion is only one of the many symptoms of our overall state.

I found out that the doctor who was doing the abortions here, had an accident last year, and lost one of his eyes as the result of getting hit by a golf ball. Then after he had recovered , continued his practice. Now he has a hole in the retina of his other eye, and cannot now do these procedures.
So for now, and hopefully for a long time, these procedures are not being done here. Perhaps a few little lives will be given a second chance to live. I hope so.
And maybe, the Lord will reach down and touch this man as well. It has happened before. Mercy Lord.

Draw near Oh God! Draw near O God of us.
Your Nearness is to us our Good.

'I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.'

The Word of the Lord is the Truth, no matter what I see, think, feel,or experience day to day on this journey . I will cling to Truth Himself.

?

What if God hijacks my plans ?

School Days

Recently, we had a visitor to our Wednesday evening class. No, not the Doc, but his friend.
As part of our course, naturally, we are learning about the human frame. If this season of learning has no other purpose, but to let my heart stand in wonder at the awesome mystery of God it is worth all the effort.

We really are fearfully and wonderfully made ! I do not understand how scientific men can study these things, and still, some deny a Sovereign Loving Creator.

I am enjoying this new experience very much. I wish I had been able to accomplish this with excellence when I was young. How my life would have been different and perhaps so much more fruitful and even happy.

The course I am currently taking is one that will enable me to work in a hospital setting, or maybe a doctor's office or something along those lines. We will see.
So, I decided to take the OHIP Billing course. That is the manner of billing that doc's use to get paid from the Ontario Government.

I did this last weekend, in an intense twelve hour course . All I can say is OUCH!



By the end of the weekend, it felt like my brain was oozing out of my ears, and all my insecurities were screaming at me of my dullness and stupidity.

O.K. so I haven't experienced a lot of affirmation in my lifetime, that is obvious, but I press on.
To get the certificate of completion , I have a six page take home exam to mail in and wait for the results. I just completed it today.
Now I find myself sitting here in a swirl of mental exhaustion once again stunned by the fact that I am even doing any of this at my age.

I wonder why ? What if , when I am all finished my new education, there are no jobs out there, anywhere, not even in my beloved K.C.? Ack !

I much prefer the eternal perspective on things, since the truth is that tonight once again I am feeling like a stranger and alien on this earth.

All I really want is God, and all things pertaining to God, with no distractions, like having to make a living. Trying to survive in the midst of all the confusion and human frailty, especially my own.

I wonder what He is morphing me into ? Am I on some wild adventure that never seems to end ? Are we having fun yet ? Nope! I am glad He loves me no matter what, and that He never leaves me. Thanks Lord. You are Amazing and I trust You.

I Wish I Understood

This is my Aunt Kay and Aunt Teresa, both now in heaven, Praise the Lord!

Today I received a call from my work, to take a shift that I don't usually have. Needing to make a living wage I accepted, and cut an hour from my school class to get there in time.

The lovely lady I cared for today has more advanced Alzheimer's than my clients that I do on the weekends. This Lady lives in a facility, a very nice facility, with others who also need the full time care.

I was not prepared ! I was definitely not prepared .

My Lady today cannot speak her words coherently any longer, so I could not understand her wishes, except to try to interpret by the tone of her voice.
I walked the halls with her, holding her hand. I changed her under garments, fed her dinner, and dressed her for bed, tucked her in, and said a small prayer over her, as she wept.

When I looked in her eyes, I saw my Aunt Kay. My Aunt Kay passed away over a year and a half ago from Alzheimer's.

In this ward, there were about twenty or so patients, men and women. One lady at our table was being fed by a worker, and her food was all over her mouth , like the way babies eat.

I thought of You Jesus. I tried to imagine the God of Creation, my Lovely Savior, hidden in her, with food smeared all over His mouth, and He unable to clean it off Himself. It was difficult. It is too much!

These dear souls walking the floors,( at least those who are still able to walk on their own,) having no comprehension . The man in the wheel chair, with the trachea tube hanging down the front of his shirt trying to mouth wordlessly to me, something I could not understand.

I don't understand anything. What is it about being human, that at the end of our time here on this side of eternity, so many of us are in this sad situation, and yet somewhere , somehow, there is a Sovereign plan unfolding for each of us.

I just keep thinking I don't understand, I am not qualified to do this.

Thank the Lord there are many wonderful workers who cheerfully meet the needs of these dear ones as best they can. They do a really great job, and serve these mostly forgotten ones with compassion, wit, and dedication.

I admire you, but I do not think I can be one of you.
How do you handle the pain ?
Yours at beholding this.
Theirs at enduring this ?
How do you keep your own heart soft in the face of this suffering ?

I wish I understood the "Why" Lord ?

Time Out

I am taking a time out from my blog.....don't know for how long.

Bye for now !

Did good on my test! Yay!
O.K. I got 97.4 % or 74 out of 76
(2 mistakes, it had to be the stress....right? yeh, right!

Another one next week!

A test every two weeks on 100 new 'elements' like
gastr- meaning stomach, and, ost- means bone.....you get the idea.

Then there are the combining elements like ECG is Electo/cardio/gram.
electric/heart/record.
Plus I must learn to spell these many strange words correctly.

My other class on Computer Upgrading is easier, no tests , just assignments.
Praise the Lord!

Come, let us return to the Lord.

as we rend out hearts, may you rend the heavens,
as we look to you, may you shine your glory
rend the heavens, rend the heavens, and come down,

please....

Psa 84:10 For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a door-keeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of the wicked.

It has been an interesting though tiring few days.

Last weekend I worked a lot of shifts, filling in for some as well as doing my own.
By Monday morning I was toast!


I was moaning to God how 'I can't do this any more'.....

My clients are lovely. One suffers from Alzheimer's Disease, and the other has Dementia. I was with them many many hours. It really is living in a different world. Not only meeting their needs physically and naturally, but existing in their 'world' or 'environment.'

Their main activity during most of my shifts is watching television after their day, and before bed time. The problem is they are both hearing impared , and at this stage of their diseases, they cannot comprehend a lot of what t.v. land has to offer.

Therefore, the t.v. volume is up to the max. and they keep changing the channel every few minutes looking for the news.

I do try to help them find the nine and ten o'clock news before bed time, and anything that will keep their interest like funniest home video's. I just discovered they like baseball as well.

While all this is happening I sit nearby at the dining room table close at hand . Sometimes I read.

This weekend I was attempting to study. I was reminded of the scene in the old Robin Hood movie , when he was trying to find the target with his arrow, and Maid Marion whispers in his ear, 'can you do it amidst distraction?

'Ack!! No whispering happening here ! Distraction ?....definitely !

All this to say, I was 'done' by the end of my shifts. I had been mentioning to the Lord that I would like a 'real job', so I could sleep regularly, and have a constant income.

On Monday morning, My Lady is telling a story at the breakfast table.
( I actually think she had dreamed this)

"I went for a walk, and met this neighbor who we used to live beside in Oakville. He was very rich, then, (here they try to remember how he got rich in the first place, but they could not remember, though they did know his name.)

He was buying a paper, and didn't have enough money on him, so he asked me if I could help him with a little change to buy a paper. So I gave it to him.
IT FELT SO WONDERFUL! I JUST HELPED THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD!"

My Lady's face was bright with a huge smile as she recalled this feeling, and I was pierced through by the Word of the Lord.

Yes, He IS the richest man in the world, and chose to remind me that he needed me here for a season, though it is just small change to me, He is in need... and I would rather be at His feet somewhere else. Hmmmm.....

Anyway, a good lesson for me, and I felt much better once I got some sleep.

I now have my official student card I.D. and have begun my Computer Upgrading classes, which I am enjoying a lot. Tonight I had my first test on Medical Abbreviations. Yes, I did memorize them and will know my mark next week.

Thursday, Sam and I are heading to Trenton to see our friend Lillian. I have been reading her 'The Old Curiosity Shop' by Charles Dickens. Lillian has macular degeneration and is legally blind, so she enjoys these times when our imagination can see into another time . I don't think Dickens knew or cared much for a lot of punctuation, I seem to be finding, at least in this book.

Small Change eh ? Hmmmmmm........

Wake Me Up

A whisper that must become a shout from my heart. Wake me up Lord!

While listening to a set from the house of prayer today, I was gripped by the cry of the Spirit.
Wake me up ! Wake me up! I don't want a' name' that I'm alive, when I'm dead on the inside. Wake me up!

I have accused You of being silent, I have accused You of being distant, when my heart is dull. Wake me up!

Times of testing, reveal the heart. Most times, it is not a pretty sight when we are faced with Truth Himself. Thank God for His Lovingkindness.

The thing that seems to keep getting tested in me, is ,WHO IS GOD ? REALLY ?

I want to walk in the True Knowledge of God. So many times, I seem to shrink wrap Him down to a package I can handle with familiarity.

In the pursuit of intimacy with Him, I can easily fall into the trap of loosing the wonder of the fact that the CREATOR of all things WANTS to reveal Himself, and have a Real Live, relationship with me. So he tolerates my dullness for a merciful moment, all the while wooing me toward REALITY Himself.

Lord Jesus, forgive me, for I have made You too small in my own eyes. I do not want a god made after my own imagination . I want to know You , The Living God.

In as much as there is none like You O Lord, You are Great and Your Name is Great in Might
Who would not fear You , O King of the nations? For this is Your rightful due. Jer. 10:6

Wash me with the water of Your Word Jesus. The entrance of Your Word brings Light , Wonderful Light.

Let Your Kingdom break in once again , into the deep places in me that are still dull and lifeless. Wake me up!

First Evening

Tonight was my first class on Medical Terminology. There were 27 other women in the room. We are taking a Hospital Secretary Course, and the first test is next week.

We must memorize 4 pages of abreviations.

As we were going through each one, I could feel something around me.
It didn't take me long to realize it was the collective tension of mostly mature women faced with the first test.
Mostly silent screams.....including my own.

Some things never change, so I had better get busy studying......and praying .

KNOWN

Known by One.

LIFE

I am captivated by the web sight of Heidi and Rolland Baker.






Children praying for Heidi before the message.


This child was healed . She was a deaf mute.
My heart is moved and deeply stirred when I read the accounts of God on the move. I miss You Lord! What will it take to see Jesus come freely among us I wonder ?

This is a bit from the latest newsletter that touched me deeply.

“Though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory” (1 Pet. 1:9).

Faith and joy are rare commodities among us, but valuable and precious beyond words. How extraordinary that we chase after other things in our meetings, at the expense of these. Our salvation is complete in Him, and we honor our God by not detracting from the all-sufficiency of the Gospel.

We trust Jesus to save us from ourselves. We trust Him to take initiative in and through us. All bright ideas come from Him, and He has no lack of them! We are set completely free from all pressure. There is no compulsion in His Kingdom.

In Jesus we are the crowning achievement of all His creative power. We find our greatest liberty at the point of His most complete control, where we are set free by His Spirit to do what is most spectacularly, ravishingly perfect.

We and our lives are the field of the activity of His mind, which we must never underestimate. We are the outcome and substance of His joy.
By His Spirit we partake of His pleasure, tasting the perfection of relationship that could rise only from His infinite imagination.
He delights in His own handiwork, which is our delight in Him.

How perfect is our God!

So in Africa we miraculously maintain a positive outlook in the face of the worst Satan can do. We lower ourselves in broken humility, only to rise in the joy of the Lord, more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

By taking pleasure in our God, we rout the
enemy.

In Bulgaria

Gypsies at the altar with Heidi in a freezing cold hall

Affectionate abandoned gypsy worship


You are welcome here Lord. Please come near us once again.

School Days

September.....2006.
Time for School. Anneka, Jared, Ryan, Joey, Grandma.
Yep!
Grandma's going back to school too. Not tomorrow, but next week.

I have decided that I need to take some positive steps towards an eventual improvement in my work situation / wages.

I have been trying to learn to type at home with Mavis Beacon, as well as an on line typing tudor. All this in preparation for classes at Fleming College . Computer Upgrading, and a Hospital Ward Secretary Course, all beginning next week.

I am praying for a clear mind, peace and supernatural enabling , for this old brain to get into a new gear.
We will see what God will do. I am looking forward to this new challenge, except for the pressure I have already put on myself to do well.
I need to give myself a break !

The courses are part time studies, so I will be able to continue to work.
Ack ! Help me Jesus! I'd rather be at IHOP.

Crushed

Gen.3:15 He shall bruise your head and you shall bruise His heal.

He did it ! This is a bit of a gruesome picture, but I need to remember the significance of the unseen battle that rages around us. I am grateful for the ultimate Truth of the Victory that Jesus won the day He poured out His Life to save me. Is. 53.

In a previous post by John Paul Jackson, the point that the Lord brought home to me was the statement that, ''they have not come against you, they have come against Me. I will deal with it.'' And He did.

I am thankful for the reminder that it is not always me, (though sometimes it is,) who has messed up, or missed God. There are other forces, always working, trying to cause us to stumble, trying to cause us to doubt the Word of God Himself, to accuse Him of all manner of things.

My journey has been a struggle having difficulty seeing the path even remembering the promise in the first place.
There has been a spirit of fear that has been dogging my steps, trying to have me accuse God of His ability to provide and accusing myself of not hearing in the first place so why should He ? It's crazy ! Truth is He is Always here and it is the voice of my pain that deafens me to this awareness sometimes .

I wonder at the mystery how sometimes God seems silent but really He is shouting in our ears.

Amazing!

John Paul Jackson

Welcome, King of Peace
By John Paul Jackson
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.—Psalm 9:10

Trust is an act of worship, one that can be incredibly difficult because to fully trust God, you have to embrace a virtue no one enjoys very much: patience in the midst of trial.

Over and over again, the Bible highly suggests we trust God in all things—especially when life seems more “prunish” than peachy. The inference is that when we trust Him, our issues will fall into place. We will have some semblance of order (wouldn’t it be nice to have that again?), and we will know the peace of God.

In other words, life will be good. Obviously, that doesn’t mean everything we’re struggling with will suddenly correct itself and we won’t have tension anymore. Not at all. All of us have seen life be uncommonly hard and dirty and sweaty and difficult. All of us have bled all over the place and have been wounded and are still being wounded.

However, when our priorities are straight, we see with the eyes of God. Do we see everything? Again, not at all. But when our priorities are straight—meaning, God is God in our lives, and we know it and let Him be—we see what He sees, at least in part. We know suddenly that He is completely, absolutely, and irrevocably in control—and because that’s so, we have nothing to fear.

At one of the early churches I pastored, I learned an important lesson about letting God be in control of my problems. I had some elders get upset with me, and for one night I thought they might be right in what they said. But that night, the Lord came to me in a dream and spoke to me.

“Do I know everything about the future?”
“Yes, Sir, you do,” I replied.
“Did I know you would do what you did?”
“Yes, Sir, you did.”
“And I knew that, and I still called you to be the pastor at this church?”
“Well, yeah . . . Are You sure you wanted me to do that?” But I knew He did. I knew that I knew that I knew. “Yes,” I finally said, “You did.”
What He said next I will never forget. “Therefore, if I knew what you were going to do, and I still chose you, then they have not come against you, but they have come against Me, and I will deal with it.”

So I backed off, and God dealt with it.

So what does all of this mean? It means that what you are going through right now is led by One and One alone. Does He know your future? Yes. Did He know you would do what you did to get yourself into the mess you’re in now? Yes. And—even though He had plenty of opportunity to rat you out and write you off as a failure—did He still choose you to be where you are and do what He’s called you to do?

Yes.

You have nothing to fear. God is perfectly able to keep your head above water, even if the mess you find yourself in was entirely your fault. He can keep your checkbook in the black, your name on His roster, your hand in His. Never let the enemy convince you otherwise. Your destiny is worth far more than that.

Copyright © 2006 John Paul Jackson, Streams Ministries International. All rights reserved.
posted by Streams Ministries Online at 11:21 AM

Where are You Today Girls ?

Remembering good friends. Distance is not an issue when hearts are knit in Jesus. Love you and miss each of you.

Toronto

Today my sister JoAnne and I took a little trip to Toronto. Jo had to see a doctor, so I accompanied her for moral and prayer support.

We travelled by Greyhound Bus. This is a much easier mode of transportation when going to the heart of the city. The bus depot is about a two minute walk from Eaton Center, where, of course we walked our small town legs off. Oh...and we did a bit of shopping and a lot of browsing.

Later we walked north on Yonge St. in search of a certain little specialty shop. It is a strange experience to walk on Yonge Street. The day was lovely.

Saw this.....for real.


I whispered a prayer, and wondered if that was Jesus in disguise.

Of course this person is only one of many , but today in the midst of this busy city, I was only aware of the lost. It seemed to me to be a multitude , and I wondered what it would take to bring True Salvation and if there would be any who would say yes .

Sometimes the Mystery is overwhelming.

Reflection

This past week I had the opportunity and priviledge of working an earlier shift with my overnight Lady. I worked from three until nine p.m. and then did the overnight. This afternoon/evening shift is very different in that I prepare an evening meal and get to take my Lady for a walk twice during this time frame.

The location is a small village about twenty minutes from here. A lovely picturesque little town with a river flowing through the centre of it.

My lady loves these walks.

Funny how the Lord can give us a 'ministry', and all the while, HE knows that it is actually these circumstances specifically designed to work His changes into our lives.

My Lady (89) suffers from dementia, a type of short term memory loss.
I overheard her talking with her husband (91) the other night,( I am required to listen ) concerning the challenges they have in remembering,( he suffers from early alzheimer's ) and the daily care they require having someone always present in their home.

Sometimes they experience great frustration. A word won't come to mind, or the same questions are asked over and over and over. Loving and tender words once whispered sweetly, now spoken loudly into deaf ears. These aging hearts remember that love still lives here.

My Lady was heard to say.'I am just so thankful, and I just enjoy everything.' And she really does! She has a wonderful sense of humor, and when we go for a walk, she soaks in as much as her impared vision will allow.

The bright colour of the flowers, the grass, the trees, the birds, the water flowing quietly in the evening as we sit and observe. People are friendly, smiling and waving to her , sincerely happy to see her.

The simple things. This Lady who cannot remember a few moments before in time, the Lord has used to teach me something lovely.

The need to stop and become aware of the small and beautiful moments, even while the world around us is at war, and remember that His eye is on the sparrow, and upon my Lady and myself as we walk the hidden places in an obscure little village somewhere in Southern Ontario.

I find myself smiling a lot more when I am with these dear people. Thank You Lord Jesus and thank you my Lady, you have blessed me today.

Pic's Mix

The big let down after the wedding celebrations has passed now, and I have a couple of departure shots. Julie and the boys flew out last week and life here has settled back to normal, with work and sleep , and not much else lately.



Later while visiting my sister she had a visitor. JoAnne is a cat lover with a heart for all little critters. She has six of her own and she feeds 3 neighbourhood cats who drop by on a regular basis for treats. Then there is the baby racoon who who was brought by his mother one evening. But this little one takes the prize.




This last one was in response to one of the indoor cats coming over to the door to take a look. Thankfully this baby is not primed to spray yet.

Left over from the wedding .....a parking ticket that Yvonne got for me the day of the wedding.

Beautiful Day For A Wedding

This is the front of the Chapel/School where the wedding was held. Gracie went to this prestigious all girls school , and that was a pre-requisite for being able to be wed there. It is the female equivalent to the Upper Canada school for boys. There was a chap playing the bagpipes outside as the guests were arriving.
Before the ceremony began the groom and his best man, Jason, were shut up in a little room by themselves where the brothers had some last minute time together. Jason told me, he would take the bullet for his brother this day by protecting him. Today was all about Jack. As I tried to sneak some pictures through the glass, Jack discovered my camera. This was so fun!!!

As the Bride made her way down the aisle toward her Bridegroom , the trumpet sang the wedding song, 'Here comes the Bride'.


The Rings

The Dip

He 'dipped'Gracie with a big kiss here and as they walked down the aisle as husband and wife. Too funny Jack!
A Few Family Photo's

Julie, Jack's sister and the very happy Mother of the groom.

Yvonne and Jason, the Best man for his brother.

A very wonderful day ! This mother's heart wept more than a few times throughout the day and evening. To be sharing the happiness of these two lovely and devoted children was a dream come true for me. I wish them both 'Happily ever After' and pray that as they encounter the challenges and trials of their life together, they will remember to 'Default to the Romance' , as God does with us and He invites us to do as well.
I was reminded of the scripture from Song of Solomon 3:11. Go forth , O Daughters of Zion, and see King Solomon with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, the day of the gladness of his heart.
So I crowned them with my Love and my Blessing , and experienced the gladness of the Heart of the Jesus as He rejoices over us, His Bride. Yes Lord, it was a wonderful day for the wedding of my son. Thank You.

There's Gonna Be A Wedding!

Jack and Gracie are getting married this week! I am so excited at the thought of my 'baby'(now 31) getting married to the 'Lovely Lady' he has searched for since he was a young man so eager for 'true' love.

I have found a beautiful dress and shoes that I need to practice wearing so I will walk like a lady should.

Family is in town ! My daugther Julie and the boys arrived last night, Jason, the best man, and Yvonne, are arriving soon as well. My sister Joanne and Julie and I are driving to Toronto on Thursday. I will be driving around Toronto ! Another fear will bite the dust I pray ! Help God ! Get me to the church on time!

For a few days I will step into another 'world' and bless and celebrate the happiness of my children. A welcome change and as valid a reality as the other world of my work.

Yay God ! There's gonna be a wedding !!!!!