Known By God

Jer.1:5 BEFORE I formed you in the womb I knew you; BEFORE you were born I set you apart.

Is.49:1-2 The Lord has called me from the womb ; From the matrix of my mother He has made mention of my name , and He has made my mouth a sharp sword ; In the shadow of His hand He has hidden me.

Psa 139:13 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration--what a creation!
Psa 139:15 You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Psa 139:16 Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

As I continue on in my classes, I am more and more astounded at the amazing way we have been created.
As my heart worships My Creator and my mind tries to comprehend His ways concerning my journey, I stand before Him totally undone ..again.

My second course has started , Anatomy and Terminology. Flash back to high school to the time I dropped Latin. Well....latin is back in my life and my brain is stinging from a full day of studying for my first test next week. It will take a while to get in the rythym of that ancient language. It's a good thing there are pictures!

After this , in February, I will be taking Transcription, so I am trying to learn to type with ALL my fingers. It's driving me crazy!!! I have been practicing for a while and still have so far to go. Help me Lord !
On the other hand in my computer upgrading class, I have taken basic Excel, and Power Point, which I love ! It is so much fun creating powerpoint presentations. the only problem is I don't have Office 2003 on my computer, and can only use the college computer while I am there. If anyone has a copy of Office around I sure would like top 'borrow'it for a bit.

On the home front, times are skinny here, with having to pay rent, buy gas to drive to work, food and medicine for Sam, I haven't much left for food for myself.
Tonight the lady I rent my room from showed me great kindness, and cooked a little meal of chicken, small little round potatoes and corn, with a side salad, and brought it to my room for me. Delicious ! Amazing. Thank you Ann!

Phi 4:11 Not that I speak as to need, for I have learned to be content in whatever state I am. ( I am not here yet, am I Lord ?)
Phi 4:12 And I know to be humbled, and I know to abound; in everything, and in all things, I am taught both to be filled and to hunger, both to abound, and to lack.(So I am in more than one school these days.)

Grandma's Happy Day

I received a beautiful letter from Anneka today via snail mail.

Thanks to Oma Trudy for mailing it to me. It is good to be remembered.

A very happy day for this lonely Grandma.

I love you and miss you a lot Anneka! Your love made my day today.

Thank you Sweetie. I will phone you tonight.

The Word Became Flesh

He was touchable, approachable, reasonable. And what's more, He was ordinary. If He were here today you probably wouldn't notice Him as walked through a shopping mall. He wouldn't turn heads by the clothing he wore or the jewelry he flashed .

"Just call me Jesus," you can almost hear him say.

He was the kind of fellow you'd invite home to watch the game at your house. He'd wrestle on the floor with your kids, doze on your couch, and cook steaks on your grill.He'd laugh at your jokes and tell a few of His own.

And when you spoke , He'd listen to you as if He had all the time in eternity.
(Max Lucado)

Shopping

This past Saturday I drove my sister to the Scarborough Town Center for some Christmas shopping. Here in Peterborough the shopping centers are so small and kind of lame.

I should have known better than to think that I would be able to enjoy this event with my foot still in the early stages of healing.

So while my sister and neice shopped I ended up sitting on the benches with an interesting mixture of other weary shoppers. One lady sitting next to me, at one point called someone on her cell phone, and I heard her say 'When are you coming out of the store?' I laughed to myself and thought that was a very good use of a cell phone. It worked for her too, as she got up immediately and went her way.

As the hours moved slowly on , I just watched the people. Most adults were in their own world, with their walls up. But the children ! It was so fun to make eye contact with the little ones, the beauty of their innocence so clearly evident in their eyes. I smiled at them and enjoyed their reactions.

One amazing thing I noticed was that I was a visible, or perhaps I should say invisible, minority. There was not much English being spoken either, and I thought about what the earth might have looked like back when the everyone spoke one language.

Well.... I was sitting there a very long time, and didn't have a book to read.

In the midst of all the people , Christmas decorations, Santa and even the Christmas music, I felt very alone and very, very sad. I wasn't sure why, and almost burst into tears at one point. Maybe it was an intercession, or maybe it wasn't.

I have absolutely no desire to do Christmas this year. I cannot afford to buy gifts for anyone. (Yes, I know it's not about the gifts.)

I will not be able to see my children and grandchildren. I wish I could work. I will spend the day with my sister and her children, and try not to feel jealous as her adult kids love on their mom, which they do frequently and are visibly generous in their affection towards her.

As I talk to the Lord about all the raw feelings that I seem to be generating this year, I am reminded about the fact that I need Him to deal with anything in my heart that will hinder His having all of me.

I am reminded that I am 'bent', and that it is my nature at times to look sideways at others for approval and love, when I was really created to keep my eyes up and focused on my Father first, for everything I need.

In the past my I found my identity in being a mother. I lived for my children and loved pouring my life out on them. No regrets there !

That was only a role ,a season in my life , and not my true identity which I can only find in Jesus. Sometimes, I still function out of that other place, and find it difficult to lay aside.

So that's how it is for me this year. My first year away from Anneka and Aila and the boys as well.

Times and seasons change, and so I am reluctantly letting the Lord have His way, knowing He is keeping me, even if I am not too happy about the plan at this moment.

No wonder I am limping. At the end of the day, I am determined to come up leaning on My Beloved. Then I will know it was worth the pain in the journey.

Dear God

I want to live before Your Gaze
I want to live before Your Eyes

Sam

Rebecca, Sam is eleven and a half years old, so perhaps some of his illness is due to his age.
When we first arrived in Peterborough back at the end of May, Sam had an 'event', in which he kind of fainted, and was out of it and sick for a few days. I took him to my vet in Trenton because that's where they have his records etc.

One of his lungs looks completely white, and the vet could not give a totally accurate diagnosis without doing a lot of very expensive and dangerous tests Something called a lung wash.
She said it could be tumors (cancer), and that the lung wash would give them a better idea. Since it would endanger him even more I declined.
The other thing it could be is a fungal infection which he may have picked up in Kansas, or he could have 'blown a clot' in his lung.

He was a really sick little dog. Then the Doc. suggested this Chinese herbal remedy, which she orders from Edmonton, and he began to bounce back in an amazing way. The thing is all this is just to help keep him comfortable, as there really is no cure, a fact that she reiterated again today.

It makes me so sad. I don't want to have to make that final decision, and he's not there yet, but I am also nervous if he goes into severe respiratory distress in the night.

So I trust the Lord who gave him to me in the beginning, will see us through the end as well.

Those of us who are pet lovers know that when we decide to commit to the responsibility of a pet, the time will come when we will inevitably grieve their departure. We know the pain of this, but we willingly take the risk of loving them unconditionally anyway, because the joy we experience from life with these little guys pales in the face of the grief.

Sam has been with me since he was five weeks old, and has been used by God to help me keep my heart soft during some of the darkest days of my life when love for him was all I was certain of.

I have learned that pain reminds me that my heart, though breaking, is at least alive.
Yep...God picked the perfect little puppy for me, and I will always be thankful.

Dance of Joy !

Just completed my exam in Medical Terminology . Results in a couple of weeks they say. Next week we begin the next course, Anatomy. We are so incredibly created, and I am looking forward to learning more.

.............................................................................

In the meantime, tomorrow I am heading to Trenton to see Lillian, while picking up some special medicine for Sam. It is a Chinese herbal something or other, that really helps him.
With out it he will deteriorate rapidly. Somehow it helps his lungs, and cuts down on his coughing, which sounds like he has pneumonia, but he doesn't.

So I am hugging him a lot, and cherishing every moment while I have him.

Wrestle

This is the truth, that I am in the grip of a mighty wrestle. At first I would be tempted to accuse God, that He in His Sovereign Wisdom, has set me down in a barren place to die one way or another.
Upon more serious reflection though, I find that I am the one doing the accusing of myself, trying to find out where I may have missed it.

Living unoffended with the Lord can be a challenge. No wonder we are tested.

In the process of my journey I have shut myself down. What I mean is that I have chosen to keep silent and not speak of the Lord very much, because of the fact that I have no control over who reads my blog, and also that I cannot make myself clear sometimes, and that sometimes I have felt mocked by misunderstanding, with eyes rolled back in heads in wonder at the lady who is totally 'meshugge.'

In the past I have chosen to be vulnerable and let the Lord flow and speak whatever I felt He was saying to me. It was therapeutic to sit at my computer, and let Jesus whisper to my heart and He would enable me to find words sometimes to share.

Recently, I read a post by my friend Mair a.k.a. Ragamuffindiva and she spoke on the nakedness that the Lord had commanded Isaiah to walk in literally. Is.20:2.

So I am going to challenge myself to try to walk in more truth and feedom. Afterall, if anyone does not like what I am writing, they just don't have to read it.

So Lord...I will try to open my heart again.

Light

'I am the Light of the world, He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the Light of Life.'

'And the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.'

Now that the days have become shorter and darker, by the time I am driving to work each evening it is already night. The route I take after I drop Sam at the sitters, is along the River Road .
In the spring and summer months it is a beautiful scenic drive. It can be lovely in the winter as well, but at night there are stretches of road where there are no lights.
I used to say that I cannot drive at night because my eyes are not great for night driving. Remember K.C. Bevy , and me screaming to God, I cannot DO this ?
Well, I am doing this ! Good one Lord !

But I digress. We know that 'darkness' has increased in the world. One only has to watch the evening and world news to be reminded of the fact.

One evening while driving to work, I became aware of how really dark it is. It felt like it was really daylight, but the daylight was really very intense darkness. Spiritually I mean of course. For a moment it was Total Darkness. It's a good thing that our human eyes cannot actually see the spirit realm unless the Lord grants it.
I would love to see Jesus and the Good guys, and I thank the Lord for the few brief encounters that He has allowed me, but there is the other side that runs rampant for a time yet, and him and his minions I do not want to see....for real!

All I really am trying to say is that a soberness came over me. An awareness that something is very near. The kind of thing that makes me press in little closer , grip His Hand a little tighter, See His Face and keep a prayerful vigilance as I walk through my days doing what He has given me to do.

The days are short, but we have His Light and His Oil. No I won't sing that old song Rebecca , give me oil.....at least not right now.. ok.. at least not out loud :)

Fracture

Yep....cracked the bone a mighty good one,in the middle of the 5th. metatarsal.
Not the toes (phalanges) but the meta along the outside of the foot.

(Sure is weird lookin' at your own bones on those x-rays.)

Whatever !!! I will hobble on, as there is not too much I can do but try to keep it elevated and not use it too much . Ha ha ! Like that will happen!

Faces I Love

These are some favorite early memories I cherish
now that I am alone and many times feeling it.





And so I ask ?

Diagnosis ?
HOMESICK !

The Good the Bad and the Ugly

I will save the good until the end.

This past weekend I was working with my Senior Lady, getting her ready for bed and all that goes along with that task. My lady uses a walker to get around, and I follow closely behind or beside to guide and protect her.

So, Sunday evening while heading from the commode to the bed, a distance of perhaps two to three feet, she starts to loose her balance and tumble backwards. I am there , trying to catch her, or break her fall. She is a dead weight heading for the carpet, not actually dead`of course, but really heavy.
The next thing I know we are both on the floor in a pathetic kind of heap. I am worried whether she has injured herself,so naturally I check her out.

She is fine ...amazing ...this has happened to me twice now with this Lady. The thing is there is a dreadful pain in my own foot, and I remember that as I was leaping to save her, my foot collided with the metal of the sturdy commode, knocking it over and causing the severe pain I am now experiencing, but cannot acknowledge, due to the fact that I am busy with My Lady.
Thank the Lord, He gives His angels charge over us, for I need all the help I can get!I call her husband to come and help me get her to her feet and together we succeed at rescuing the dear Lady from the floor.

Later I limp off to bed to ask the Lord ...Why am I here again ?????

See Nancy's sore foot that causes her to limp like Jacob did.



My poor foot....not pretty I know.... No, I did not get it checked, and yes it may have a little fracture in the metatarsal bone along the outside. See, at least I know the anatomy of my foot. These classes are really paying off. Just to prove it see below.



Seriously Lord .....what the heck am I doing ?