Shopping

This past Saturday I drove my sister to the Scarborough Town Center for some Christmas shopping. Here in Peterborough the shopping centers are so small and kind of lame.

I should have known better than to think that I would be able to enjoy this event with my foot still in the early stages of healing.

So while my sister and neice shopped I ended up sitting on the benches with an interesting mixture of other weary shoppers. One lady sitting next to me, at one point called someone on her cell phone, and I heard her say 'When are you coming out of the store?' I laughed to myself and thought that was a very good use of a cell phone. It worked for her too, as she got up immediately and went her way.

As the hours moved slowly on , I just watched the people. Most adults were in their own world, with their walls up. But the children ! It was so fun to make eye contact with the little ones, the beauty of their innocence so clearly evident in their eyes. I smiled at them and enjoyed their reactions.

One amazing thing I noticed was that I was a visible, or perhaps I should say invisible, minority. There was not much English being spoken either, and I thought about what the earth might have looked like back when the everyone spoke one language.

Well.... I was sitting there a very long time, and didn't have a book to read.

In the midst of all the people , Christmas decorations, Santa and even the Christmas music, I felt very alone and very, very sad. I wasn't sure why, and almost burst into tears at one point. Maybe it was an intercession, or maybe it wasn't.

I have absolutely no desire to do Christmas this year. I cannot afford to buy gifts for anyone. (Yes, I know it's not about the gifts.)

I will not be able to see my children and grandchildren. I wish I could work. I will spend the day with my sister and her children, and try not to feel jealous as her adult kids love on their mom, which they do frequently and are visibly generous in their affection towards her.

As I talk to the Lord about all the raw feelings that I seem to be generating this year, I am reminded about the fact that I need Him to deal with anything in my heart that will hinder His having all of me.

I am reminded that I am 'bent', and that it is my nature at times to look sideways at others for approval and love, when I was really created to keep my eyes up and focused on my Father first, for everything I need.

In the past my I found my identity in being a mother. I lived for my children and loved pouring my life out on them. No regrets there !

That was only a role ,a season in my life , and not my true identity which I can only find in Jesus. Sometimes, I still function out of that other place, and find it difficult to lay aside.

So that's how it is for me this year. My first year away from Anneka and Aila and the boys as well.

Times and seasons change, and so I am reluctantly letting the Lord have His way, knowing He is keeping me, even if I am not too happy about the plan at this moment.

No wonder I am limping. At the end of the day, I am determined to come up leaning on My Beloved. Then I will know it was worth the pain in the journey.