Sam Update

Today Sam and I visited the vet for an assessment of his condition. His cough has been getting worse and since I am having such a difficult time getting his medication into him, I needed advice. We are looking into the transdermal patch, and hopefully they come in codeine or prednisone med's.

After his x-ray we discovered that the cancer has definitely been spreading in his lung and he has another large tumor in the right upper lobe. Part of this lung is already collapsed, and the cancer fills the lower lobe. (The right lung has 3 lobes.)
His left lung is clear, and I guess that's what he is using to breathe. That this cancer is growing rapidly was obvious.

We have not scanned to see if it's anywhere else, for that is very expensive and what good would it do anyway. I will just keep a really close eye on him and keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as I can , before having to make the dreadful decision .

So this is another 'reality' check. It's funny how we learn to adapt and cope with a certain level of acceptance, and carry on as life allows thinking o.k this is bad , but I can live like this. Then the facts are there and the inevitable comes into view...again.

I am learning to constantly live in the Presence of Great Grace. It is the only way I am able to survive this season of my life.

I am going to be honest here and say that as I was driving home, the sadness once again descended like a cloud. My next reaction was anger , at someone who had smoked for many years without thought of what that toxin was doing to others, especially an innocent animal.

I am struggling against accusation , been there, done that , repented etc ... still the good little Christian you know ... but the obvious medical evidence indicates most causes of lung cancer is smoking.

Humans have a choice, our pets and children do not when they live in that environment. Most smokers get ticked when they are reminded of this. I know, as I was a smoker myself some 33 years ago.

So the process of grief slowly grinds on in my heart. The letting go, the hanging on, the care giving, the loving, the pain in the losing, the weeping and the comforting.

Thankfully I know I am not alone in the journey, and I am not always aware of my own pain.

Sam has some good days, and it is then that I think 'Hey, he's doing o.k. we can do this for now.' More grace !!



Then there are the moments when he cuddles into me with a soft groan and my heart breaks and I weep , for him .... and for myself as well. I cannot imagine my life without him right now , yet I know I will go on. The memories will be bittersweet but lovely, and the season will change .