School Days

September.....2006.
Time for School. Anneka, Jared, Ryan, Joey, Grandma.
Yep!
Grandma's going back to school too. Not tomorrow, but next week.

I have decided that I need to take some positive steps towards an eventual improvement in my work situation / wages.

I have been trying to learn to type at home with Mavis Beacon, as well as an on line typing tudor. All this in preparation for classes at Fleming College . Computer Upgrading, and a Hospital Ward Secretary Course, all beginning next week.

I am praying for a clear mind, peace and supernatural enabling , for this old brain to get into a new gear.
We will see what God will do. I am looking forward to this new challenge, except for the pressure I have already put on myself to do well.
I need to give myself a break !

The courses are part time studies, so I will be able to continue to work.
Ack ! Help me Jesus! I'd rather be at IHOP.

Too Tired to Talk

I just finished three over nights, and my body is freaking out with fatigue. I do not get much 'rest'.

Before I went to work last night though I checked out a Vineyard house church in town. A lovely little group of people. The worship was refreshing. But...... I am ruined !

Ruined for the Real Thing ! My One Thing ! After IHOP how can anything compare to the reality I have come to know .

Why do people need a book written by a man, when THE GOD-MAN is longing to reveal Himself ?

Encounter

Come, and sit with Me awhile. A prayer room encounter with Jesus.

In the midst of the prayer room activity of worship, adoration and supplication, An Unseen Figure sits alone, veiled to human eyes.

I perceive Him sitting , praying to His Father. My heart is immediately drawn to this Man. He is clothed in a dark scarlet colored garment with a hood covering His bowed head.

He doesn't look directly at me , but somehow I feel His invitation to come and sit beside Him for a while.

As I look upon Him sitting solitary, I sense a deep sadness surrounding Him, a lonliness and longing in His prayer. My heart responds with a quickening pulse and I hasten to His side.

His heart draws me in and I am greeted with tender gratitude and welcome. Reaching out, hands touching, my trembling soul bows low as Amazing Love embraces my entire being.

We sit quietly together in His house of prayer. Worship and devotion ascending to His throne. The songs are the songs of the Lamb, declaring His Great Worth, and His great Sacrifice.

He is holding my hand, and with a gentle squeeze, I am tenderly invited to explore the wound I know is there. This is only one of the wounds of Love.

These mighty hands of power and healing. I am in awe as I think again how this God-Man , my Beloved, restrained Himself.
Submitting to men restraining these loving hands, that formed our frame. Held fast with cruel nails upon a piece of wood that He Himself created, for this very purpose.

My salvation. The bridal price.

Now, I know it is my turn. "May I touch your scars Dear One He whispers tenderly?" The fragrance of myhrr surrounds us, and my heart cringes. He knows! I long for His touch even though my fingers are bent and twisted. I am so ashamed that feel I am not beautiful enough for Him.

I remember that He has promised me healing. Still my heart feels the burden of wanting to be pleasing and lovely to this One I love so very much."You see with the eyes of man, my love."

Slowly He reaches in to His Heart. My soul trembles in joyful wonder as He extends to me a beautiful gold ring, and the Cup of Betrothal.

"Are you willing Beloved?" "Will you drink the Cup?" "Oh Yes Lord!"

His Beautiful Face radiates a brilliant smile, and I find myself lost in Love's Gaze, embraced completely in Love Himself. I am undone. Again!

Little 'Faith'...that's me

By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as an inheritance , obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; He lived in tents.

For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.
He considered Him Faithful who had made the promise.

Me too..... I consider Jesus Faithful to keep His promise. He's the only One actually able to keep His Promises. Men, well, we fail and break our word to each other with little remorse or care.

When I began this most recent chapter of my adventure with God, I knew it would be a place of decreasing. Willingly volunteering to go to the low place of service with Jesus, I really had no idea what that exactly meant. It's easy to get the notion that we are doing God a favor, by 're-up-ing' as they call it at IHOP.(re-consecration)

At this point I am vitally aware that this whole thing is so that He can do a work in me, so that when the time comes, He can look at what He has made and see 'His Image' there, and be satisfied. I have no idea where I am in this process, and that will likely be the case until I stand before Him in that day to give Him an account of my life.

I feel like I am stumbling around in such foreign territory. What exactly is a walk of faith anyway ?

A few of years ago I heard Patricia King, tell how the Lord removed all sense of His Presence from her for about a year, while all those around her were basking in His Glory. I remember thinking , Thank You Lord that you don't do that to me..... right ? right Lord ? LORD ?

Maybe I should call it learning to walk by the Spirit, that would better explain my dilemma. All I want is to love God, walk with Him in intimacy, and when I die go home to heaven forever. (Don't tell Mike Bickle that I am staying in heaven during the millennium.)

Since my time at IHOP, the Prayer Room IS Home to me. Out here is foreign land. Even here in my home town where I grew up, it is a strange land. The people have not changed, just grown older. God must be here somewhere, but I have no desire to seek out a church or 'fellowship' to see if He is there.

Of course God is here! He is Omnipresent. AND He is present in the little elderly couple who I am giving care to. One has Dementia, and the other has Alzheimers. They have been married 65 years this July, and are still very much in love, sitting every evening holding hands on the couch until bedtime.

The other night as I was preparing my lady for bed, I remembered the words Jesus spoke to Peter , 'that when you are old you will stretch out your hands and others will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.'Jn.21/18.
I am sure my lady never would have thought that at some point in her life someone else other than herself, would dress her and get her tucked in to her bed.

The human frame is weak....I see that so clearly. We go through life flexing our muscles before God , each other, and the world. Then one day, we cannot remember....period. I don't understand any of it. The rain falls on the just and the unjust, the bible says, but all I know is that it makes me sad, very sad.

How am I adjusting ? Some days I catch a glimpse of the 'Banner/Shadow/Love' over me. Other days, I fall down weeping in weariness and discouragement.
I have chosen this path of abandonment to Jesus , but I am only now waking up to the reality of what that committment really entails.

Death! Death to all that hinders Love Himself being formed in my heart and character.
I know I am not alone, that in the midst of the battle, in this place called the world, He is here.
I can sense His nearness in this little hovel of a room, that is strangely becoming familiar. I feel His comfort when I weep with grief because my little dog is dying, and I do not want to let him go. Like my friend Mair has said so beautifully "Love Stays."

Tonight all I am longing for is to sit beside some quiet waters with my Friend Jesus. Just sit really still and let Him hold me close, as we share tears of sorrow over my puppy Sam.
He will raise my chin in His tender hands and open my eyes to behold the starry host that He has placed over our heads in the deep saphire sky. He will remind me of my real Home. Tonight, though the world rages in other places, Sam and I will know Comfort while Love stays with us.

Bumpy Landing

My history is one of crash landings. That's me underneath the insructor and the parachute, with the video guy capturing the event. I wish I would remember this before I go forward gung-ho into transition, flying high and naive, looking for the perfect landing. Jesus, always right there taking movies and going Home to brag on His kid...me.

My friend Bevy reminded me that my landing in Kansas was not very smooth either. Even in the early days, I wanted to flee from the very thing I had dreamed about for years.

Recently, when visiting there again, I was talking with a friend, who was telling me how the Lord brought to fruition the dream of her heart. A dream she told no one about, ever, just Jesus, and He was the One who brought it all to pass.

What an encouragement that was to me. We laughed together as we both realized that it was He who had planted His Dream in her heart, and He Alone was the One able to bring it to pass.

Tonight I am reminded that He has given me a dream as well. A couple actually, and I know they are His Dreams for me as well. So why do I always forget that, and second guess Him ? Huh!

How hard can it be to walk on water right ? Ha ! Immersed in the prayer room atmosphere, all things seem possible, and then in the face of the actual getting out of the boat, or climbing willingly onto the cross with Christ, I seem to prefer to run screaming from the room or the cross.

Yet I have discovered that the Cross is actually the safest place to run to, but still can forget that at times of intense testing and stress. God's Word still stands firm in spite of my fears, thank God!

Today, I took Sam on a tour of my home town. I went back to the river, a favorite place of mine. We sat on the damp grass, He sniffing madly all the nooks and cranny's of the twisted tree trunk we were leaning upon, and me, just looking at all the changes the years have brought to the surrounding river front.

At one point a warm breeze caused a lovely sight. The"seed keys" of the maple trees, were hanging thickly upon the branches, and as the wind blew through, these twirling, whirling, seeds flew almost joyfully through the air, all competing to see who could get farthest out into the river.
Once there, they would float downstream. Only some would eventually find the perfect place to'die', to later become a huge beautiful Maple tree profuse with exploding color in the fall many years later.

Even now, I hear the songs of the prayer room reminding me that Wisdom cries out to go to the mountain of myhrr. So easy to say yes from that place of worship. The actual 'event' of death to all that hinders Love is not so poetic, but I think I detect the hint of a smile on the Face of Jesus as He strengthens me in the journey He has already walked before me.

Today, at the place where once I could imagine Jesus coming to rescue me in His little rowboat, something different occured. I sensed Him coming toward me across the water, walking.

The Invitation is there. I'm so tired and scared Lord, how can I come out there and join myself to You ? He extended His hand to me, and I know that He also includes the strength, faith, and ablility to trust Him in this next season of going low, even though my flesh complains loudly to Him all the way. So I come Lord.