Saying Goodbye

Last Friday Sam and I drove to Toronto.

The last time I would drive with my little buddy on my arm.

This was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make in my life. The time had come to say good-bye and it was only with the strength and courage of Jesus was I able to do it.

I did not want to go through this alone, so I asked my son Jon if he would make the arrangements with their vet and accompany Sam and I . He was only too willing to stand with me.
'You need someone to be there with you, to hold you and weep with you' he said to me over the phone .
He understood .

First we went to visit with Carol-Ann and Bruce and we met their new arrival 'Minnie Silver ', a bouncing joyful wee puppy the same breed as Sam.

Grrrrr... was Sam's greeting to this new baby, but later he did not fuss when she came near. He was a very sick little guy.
This loving family have been a huge blessing to Sam and I . Thank you so much you guys!

The grace of the Lord was with me so strongly on the Saturday morning, and I fought fear with the Word of the Lord in spite of ' jelly legs ' and wanting to throw up . Looking on it now it is absolutely amazing that I went through with it. You can change your mind at any moment , but I knew that the Lord had spoken to me that it was time.

Naturally, I am still haunted by the memory of the time in that little office where the 'procedure' took place.
Now, I wonder, was he scared ? He trusted me and had I betrayed that trust ? Everyone said I was 'doing the right thing ', but that didn't help even though I knew it was likely true .

I carried him there as I carried him most of our life together. I held him in my arms until the end. It is still difficult for me to say that Sam has died.

I felt so bad that I had to put him through that. In the beginning I had prayed and asked Jesus to please be the one to take him, since He is the Lord of Life . For His own reasons I was meant to walk through this process , with Him in me and with me and He did not disappoint.

Now I am alone, and the reality of this meets me at every turn. My friends are praying and I am so thankful to those of you who heard Jesus whisper my name in your ear and for responding so faithfully.

Every day is a little better and life goes on. Someday, I will surely not be afraid to find another little buddy.

At the end of the day, it is always worth it all .

Rebecca wondered who Mr. Bear is. Meet Mr.Bear Rebecca.



Jonathan and Katherine,I want to thank you for being such a loving support for your mom. I love you. Then there is Maggie !


Maggie seemed to have a sensitivity to my loss, and when I freaked out later in the evening she was right there verbally sympathizing and wailing with me. She snuggled with me the whole rest of the night. She's a good dog .

Since Sam accompanied me nearly everywhere these last many months his absence is noticed at every turn. When I returned to work on Tuesday, the butterfly on the window mentioned in a previous post, had only just emerged from her chrysalis. She rested on the screen for the afternoon and then when her wings had dried, took her first flight in new found freedom. A very good sign to me I think.

It has been an interesting though tiring few days.

Last weekend I worked a lot of shifts, filling in for some as well as doing my own.
By Monday morning I was toast!


I was moaning to God how 'I can't do this any more'.....

My clients are lovely. One suffers from Alzheimer's Disease, and the other has Dementia. I was with them many many hours. It really is living in a different world. Not only meeting their needs physically and naturally, but existing in their 'world' or 'environment.'

Their main activity during most of my shifts is watching television after their day, and before bed time. The problem is they are both hearing impared , and at this stage of their diseases, they cannot comprehend a lot of what t.v. land has to offer.

Therefore, the t.v. volume is up to the max. and they keep changing the channel every few minutes looking for the news.

I do try to help them find the nine and ten o'clock news before bed time, and anything that will keep their interest like funniest home video's. I just discovered they like baseball as well.

While all this is happening I sit nearby at the dining room table close at hand . Sometimes I read.

This weekend I was attempting to study. I was reminded of the scene in the old Robin Hood movie , when he was trying to find the target with his arrow, and Maid Marion whispers in his ear, 'can you do it amidst distraction?

'Ack!! No whispering happening here ! Distraction ?....definitely !

All this to say, I was 'done' by the end of my shifts. I had been mentioning to the Lord that I would like a 'real job', so I could sleep regularly, and have a constant income.

On Monday morning, My Lady is telling a story at the breakfast table.
( I actually think she had dreamed this)

"I went for a walk, and met this neighbor who we used to live beside in Oakville. He was very rich, then, (here they try to remember how he got rich in the first place, but they could not remember, though they did know his name.)

He was buying a paper, and didn't have enough money on him, so he asked me if I could help him with a little change to buy a paper. So I gave it to him.
IT FELT SO WONDERFUL! I JUST HELPED THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD!"

My Lady's face was bright with a huge smile as she recalled this feeling, and I was pierced through by the Word of the Lord.

Yes, He IS the richest man in the world, and chose to remind me that he needed me here for a season, though it is just small change to me, He is in need... and I would rather be at His feet somewhere else. Hmmmm.....

Anyway, a good lesson for me, and I felt much better once I got some sleep.

I now have my official student card I.D. and have begun my Computer Upgrading classes, which I am enjoying a lot. Tonight I had my first test on Medical Abbreviations. Yes, I did memorize them and will know my mark next week.

Thursday, Sam and I are heading to Trenton to see our friend Lillian. I have been reading her 'The Old Curiosity Shop' by Charles Dickens. Lillian has macular degeneration and is legally blind, so she enjoys these times when our imagination can see into another time . I don't think Dickens knew or cared much for a lot of punctuation, I seem to be finding, at least in this book.

Small Change eh ? Hmmmmmm........

Friday

Today, Sam and I are off to Trenton to visit and care for Lillian for the long weekend.
I am looking forward to major prayer encounters with Jesus in this place.
more later....

401 Mercies Lord Please

Tomorrow, Sam and I are off to Toronto for visiting fun with Carol-Ann and family, and some long over due time with my other son and his beautiful lady.

It has been a year since I drove the 401 to Toronto, and I am downloading courage even at this moment. Lord have mercy! I think it's worse than all my trips put together, but I have a feeling I'd better get used to it.

So off we go......

Good News

Just wanted to say that Sam suffered no structural damage to his heart, and that means he is not in heart failure. (I did not sleep a wink all night) So we can deal with the pneumonia and breathe a sigh of relief. Yay! Thank You Jesus!

Dog Tired

Today Sam and I took a long awaited trip to Trenton to visit our dear friend Lillian.

On the way we made a necessary stop at the Quinte Animal Hospital. Sam has been sick now for a few days. Since Saturday actually when he had a little 'fainting spell' I call it, but really it was a kind of heart problem.

He has congestive heart failure, edema in his one lung and pneumonia.
A sick little guy. Never the less , he still is able to get churned up when near my sister's cats, so we didn't stay too long.

I have started him on his medication, and we get the results of his EKG on Friday. The rest is in the Hands of Jesus, who does all things well. I have had a 'feeling' for a while now ......

It was really an excellent visit with Lillian, and I will have more to share on that story there later.

In the meantime I will treasure every moment I can with my buddy Sam, who has been on this crazy adventure called my life for eleven years now.

Bumpy Landing

My history is one of crash landings. That's me underneath the insructor and the parachute, with the video guy capturing the event. I wish I would remember this before I go forward gung-ho into transition, flying high and naive, looking for the perfect landing. Jesus, always right there taking movies and going Home to brag on His kid...me.

My friend Bevy reminded me that my landing in Kansas was not very smooth either. Even in the early days, I wanted to flee from the very thing I had dreamed about for years.

Recently, when visiting there again, I was talking with a friend, who was telling me how the Lord brought to fruition the dream of her heart. A dream she told no one about, ever, just Jesus, and He was the One who brought it all to pass.

What an encouragement that was to me. We laughed together as we both realized that it was He who had planted His Dream in her heart, and He Alone was the One able to bring it to pass.

Tonight I am reminded that He has given me a dream as well. A couple actually, and I know they are His Dreams for me as well. So why do I always forget that, and second guess Him ? Huh!

How hard can it be to walk on water right ? Ha ! Immersed in the prayer room atmosphere, all things seem possible, and then in the face of the actual getting out of the boat, or climbing willingly onto the cross with Christ, I seem to prefer to run screaming from the room or the cross.

Yet I have discovered that the Cross is actually the safest place to run to, but still can forget that at times of intense testing and stress. God's Word still stands firm in spite of my fears, thank God!

Today, I took Sam on a tour of my home town. I went back to the river, a favorite place of mine. We sat on the damp grass, He sniffing madly all the nooks and cranny's of the twisted tree trunk we were leaning upon, and me, just looking at all the changes the years have brought to the surrounding river front.

At one point a warm breeze caused a lovely sight. The"seed keys" of the maple trees, were hanging thickly upon the branches, and as the wind blew through, these twirling, whirling, seeds flew almost joyfully through the air, all competing to see who could get farthest out into the river.
Once there, they would float downstream. Only some would eventually find the perfect place to'die', to later become a huge beautiful Maple tree profuse with exploding color in the fall many years later.

Even now, I hear the songs of the prayer room reminding me that Wisdom cries out to go to the mountain of myhrr. So easy to say yes from that place of worship. The actual 'event' of death to all that hinders Love is not so poetic, but I think I detect the hint of a smile on the Face of Jesus as He strengthens me in the journey He has already walked before me.

Today, at the place where once I could imagine Jesus coming to rescue me in His little rowboat, something different occured. I sensed Him coming toward me across the water, walking.

The Invitation is there. I'm so tired and scared Lord, how can I come out there and join myself to You ? He extended His hand to me, and I know that He also includes the strength, faith, and ablility to trust Him in this next season of going low, even though my flesh complains loudly to Him all the way. So I come Lord.

Calm Down My Soul

The hour is late here, but I am winding down from the spin out I have been on since I arrived yesterday.
I am grateful to whoever is praying for me.Thank you so much.

Today, (Thursay) I had my job interview and it went very well. I start on the 9th. of June.
In the meantime, I am trying to solve my dog sitting dilema, during this latest transition period. Sam is a good dog, but has had many changes to cope with these days, and I don't feel comfortable leaving him here alone yet.

I have decided to calm my soul a bit, and try to get a grip on my emotions which are fragile with fatigue and stress . The lady who is renting this room to me, is nice, and we talked things over today. I have decided to stay here for a while, to get my job going, and see how that goes for a few weeks.

My room still needs a lot of work, but I asked her to just leave it for now. There are no blinds /curtains on the windows. I have a bed , but that's about all for now.

What do mercy and grace look like ? Trying to think the way Jesus would in these circumstances, and remembering that He is Faithful, and that all this was no surprise to Him, only to me.

So, at the end of the day, I will trust Him, and try to let Him work His Image and Likeness more into my character through these testings. I feel better tonight, and the grip of fear has lifted. Thank You Lord.I Love You.