Trusting

The journey continues. I have one more week of work here. This time next week I hope to be sitting in the House of Prayer in Kansas City, for a time of refreshing and preparation.

When I return here, I will be deep in packing my dwindling belongings, in preparation for my journey to Southern Ontario. Peterborough to be exact, my home town. The Lord has provided a place for me to stay, and a job interview when I get there. The next step forward into unknown territory again.

I am learning to trust. My time here has been a difficult one in many ways. Through the trials, there has come a new depth in my relationship of intimacy and devotion with My God and Father.

I would not change this for anything. He has given me Courage,and Strength. He has been my Refuge, my Wisdom and my Joy. My Father, and my God !
I am learning about prayer. I am learning about how very desperately the Heart of God desires to make Himself known and real to His children, you and me.

Maybe, He feels like I do at times. I wish my children would want to know the real me. I don't mean the roles I filled while raising them and caring for them. During those years I poured my life into them and my God. Absolutely no regrets there. Ever!

The season has changed. Children are grown, living their own lives. Busy, very busy. I am alone, but not really. My Beloved never leaves me. We are on a journey.
I am definitely leaning, completely leaning. It's a good feeling most of the time, but then there are these moments when it is absolutely terrifying, and sad.

Terrifying to be homeless again, in a sense. Sad to be leaving my beautiful grandchildren. This is a challenge for all of us. The Lord knows my heart breaks with love for Anneka and Aila, Jared and Ryan.

When Anneka was still an infant, there were times when she would look at me, her big blue eyes would absolutely twinkle with joy, and my heart would leap within me. When she was born, I felt my heart leap the first time I held her, only minutes after she burst into this earth from the Heart of God. What a joy!

Aila, loves to sit with me, and likes to hug and talk and talk to Grandma. Just to be with me. This one too, I held for many hours in prayer, singing and coming into the Presence of Jesus, while her parents led the worship team. So much love and joy. These girls run to me with hugs and smiles, always so happy to see me.

I know God likes this when we stop what we are doing, and just sit with Him and give Him our love. He wants to show us more and more Who He really IS. He loves to show us His smile, and His eyes twinkle when He catches our gaze.

These children will not understand the leaving. I hope that someday, the Lord will reveal to them that Grandma was not crazy, but that she was following the Lamb, intimately, where He has called her to go.

It's not so crazy to imagine that He would have a mission for one such as I. It took Him some convincing to get this through to me. Remembering Sarah and Abraham, leaving the familiar to follow the Voice and the Vision. Not easy, but I have become willing.

I am not looking for happiness, that is an illusion that the world lures us with. True happiness has come FOR ME in my day to day walk with Jesus, through the storms of life on this planet, discovering His Faithfulness, Nearness, and Passion for me.

We walk on together, with joyful anticipation in the journey. Firmly held in His Heart and confident in His Covenant of Love He died to establish with me. I am willing to leap again.