Wrestle

This is the truth, that I am in the grip of a mighty wrestle. At first I would be tempted to accuse God, that He in His Sovereign Wisdom, has set me down in a barren place to die one way or another.
Upon more serious reflection though, I find that I am the one doing the accusing of myself, trying to find out where I may have missed it.

Living unoffended with the Lord can be a challenge. No wonder we are tested.

In the process of my journey I have shut myself down. What I mean is that I have chosen to keep silent and not speak of the Lord very much, because of the fact that I have no control over who reads my blog, and also that I cannot make myself clear sometimes, and that sometimes I have felt mocked by misunderstanding, with eyes rolled back in heads in wonder at the lady who is totally 'meshugge.'

In the past I have chosen to be vulnerable and let the Lord flow and speak whatever I felt He was saying to me. It was therapeutic to sit at my computer, and let Jesus whisper to my heart and He would enable me to find words sometimes to share.

Recently, I read a post by my friend Mair a.k.a. Ragamuffindiva and she spoke on the nakedness that the Lord had commanded Isaiah to walk in literally. Is.20:2.

So I am going to challenge myself to try to walk in more truth and feedom. Afterall, if anyone does not like what I am writing, they just don't have to read it.

So Lord...I will try to open my heart again.

Light

'I am the Light of the world, He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the Light of Life.'

'And the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.'

Now that the days have become shorter and darker, by the time I am driving to work each evening it is already night. The route I take after I drop Sam at the sitters, is along the River Road .
In the spring and summer months it is a beautiful scenic drive. It can be lovely in the winter as well, but at night there are stretches of road where there are no lights.
I used to say that I cannot drive at night because my eyes are not great for night driving. Remember K.C. Bevy , and me screaming to God, I cannot DO this ?
Well, I am doing this ! Good one Lord !

But I digress. We know that 'darkness' has increased in the world. One only has to watch the evening and world news to be reminded of the fact.

One evening while driving to work, I became aware of how really dark it is. It felt like it was really daylight, but the daylight was really very intense darkness. Spiritually I mean of course. For a moment it was Total Darkness. It's a good thing that our human eyes cannot actually see the spirit realm unless the Lord grants it.
I would love to see Jesus and the Good guys, and I thank the Lord for the few brief encounters that He has allowed me, but there is the other side that runs rampant for a time yet, and him and his minions I do not want to see....for real!

All I really am trying to say is that a soberness came over me. An awareness that something is very near. The kind of thing that makes me press in little closer , grip His Hand a little tighter, See His Face and keep a prayerful vigilance as I walk through my days doing what He has given me to do.

The days are short, but we have His Light and His Oil. No I won't sing that old song Rebecca , give me oil.....at least not right now.. ok.. at least not out loud :)

Fracture

Yep....cracked the bone a mighty good one,in the middle of the 5th. metatarsal.
Not the toes (phalanges) but the meta along the outside of the foot.

(Sure is weird lookin' at your own bones on those x-rays.)

Whatever !!! I will hobble on, as there is not too much I can do but try to keep it elevated and not use it too much . Ha ha ! Like that will happen!

Faces I Love

These are some favorite early memories I cherish
now that I am alone and many times feeling it.





And so I ask ?

Diagnosis ?
HOMESICK !

The Good the Bad and the Ugly

I will save the good until the end.

This past weekend I was working with my Senior Lady, getting her ready for bed and all that goes along with that task. My lady uses a walker to get around, and I follow closely behind or beside to guide and protect her.

So, Sunday evening while heading from the commode to the bed, a distance of perhaps two to three feet, she starts to loose her balance and tumble backwards. I am there , trying to catch her, or break her fall. She is a dead weight heading for the carpet, not actually dead`of course, but really heavy.
The next thing I know we are both on the floor in a pathetic kind of heap. I am worried whether she has injured herself,so naturally I check her out.

She is fine ...amazing ...this has happened to me twice now with this Lady. The thing is there is a dreadful pain in my own foot, and I remember that as I was leaping to save her, my foot collided with the metal of the sturdy commode, knocking it over and causing the severe pain I am now experiencing, but cannot acknowledge, due to the fact that I am busy with My Lady.
Thank the Lord, He gives His angels charge over us, for I need all the help I can get!I call her husband to come and help me get her to her feet and together we succeed at rescuing the dear Lady from the floor.

Later I limp off to bed to ask the Lord ...Why am I here again ?????

See Nancy's sore foot that causes her to limp like Jacob did.



My poor foot....not pretty I know.... No, I did not get it checked, and yes it may have a little fracture in the metatarsal bone along the outside. See, at least I know the anatomy of my foot. These classes are really paying off. Just to prove it see below.



Seriously Lord .....what the heck am I doing ?

This afternoon while studying I learned two new words.

basilysis - the crushing of the base of the fetal head to facilitate delivery
basiotripsy - the crushing of the fetal head to facilitate delivery.



Today is abortion day at the hospital here in town. Oh God ! Forgive us !

These children need You as their Judge. Come Lord Jesus! Is. 63.

Now I feel I must clarify this for Rebecca. These babies need Jesus to come and bring His Justice to bear on their behalf. This world is in need of Soveriegn Intervention. Abortion is only one of the many symptoms of our overall state.

I found out that the doctor who was doing the abortions here, had an accident last year, and lost one of his eyes as the result of getting hit by a golf ball. Then after he had recovered , continued his practice. Now he has a hole in the retina of his other eye, and cannot now do these procedures.
So for now, and hopefully for a long time, these procedures are not being done here. Perhaps a few little lives will be given a second chance to live. I hope so.
And maybe, the Lord will reach down and touch this man as well. It has happened before. Mercy Lord.

Draw near Oh God! Draw near O God of us.
Your Nearness is to us our Good.

'I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.'

The Word of the Lord is the Truth, no matter what I see, think, feel,or experience day to day on this journey . I will cling to Truth Himself.

?

What if God hijacks my plans ?

School Days

Recently, we had a visitor to our Wednesday evening class. No, not the Doc, but his friend.
As part of our course, naturally, we are learning about the human frame. If this season of learning has no other purpose, but to let my heart stand in wonder at the awesome mystery of God it is worth all the effort.

We really are fearfully and wonderfully made ! I do not understand how scientific men can study these things, and still, some deny a Sovereign Loving Creator.

I am enjoying this new experience very much. I wish I had been able to accomplish this with excellence when I was young. How my life would have been different and perhaps so much more fruitful and even happy.

The course I am currently taking is one that will enable me to work in a hospital setting, or maybe a doctor's office or something along those lines. We will see.
So, I decided to take the OHIP Billing course. That is the manner of billing that doc's use to get paid from the Ontario Government.

I did this last weekend, in an intense twelve hour course . All I can say is OUCH!



By the end of the weekend, it felt like my brain was oozing out of my ears, and all my insecurities were screaming at me of my dullness and stupidity.

O.K. so I haven't experienced a lot of affirmation in my lifetime, that is obvious, but I press on.
To get the certificate of completion , I have a six page take home exam to mail in and wait for the results. I just completed it today.
Now I find myself sitting here in a swirl of mental exhaustion once again stunned by the fact that I am even doing any of this at my age.

I wonder why ? What if , when I am all finished my new education, there are no jobs out there, anywhere, not even in my beloved K.C.? Ack !

I much prefer the eternal perspective on things, since the truth is that tonight once again I am feeling like a stranger and alien on this earth.

All I really want is God, and all things pertaining to God, with no distractions, like having to make a living. Trying to survive in the midst of all the confusion and human frailty, especially my own.

I wonder what He is morphing me into ? Am I on some wild adventure that never seems to end ? Are we having fun yet ? Nope! I am glad He loves me no matter what, and that He never leaves me. Thanks Lord. You are Amazing and I trust You.

I Wish I Understood

This is my Aunt Kay and Aunt Teresa, both now in heaven, Praise the Lord!

Today I received a call from my work, to take a shift that I don't usually have. Needing to make a living wage I accepted, and cut an hour from my school class to get there in time.

The lovely lady I cared for today has more advanced Alzheimer's than my clients that I do on the weekends. This Lady lives in a facility, a very nice facility, with others who also need the full time care.

I was not prepared ! I was definitely not prepared .

My Lady today cannot speak her words coherently any longer, so I could not understand her wishes, except to try to interpret by the tone of her voice.
I walked the halls with her, holding her hand. I changed her under garments, fed her dinner, and dressed her for bed, tucked her in, and said a small prayer over her, as she wept.

When I looked in her eyes, I saw my Aunt Kay. My Aunt Kay passed away over a year and a half ago from Alzheimer's.

In this ward, there were about twenty or so patients, men and women. One lady at our table was being fed by a worker, and her food was all over her mouth , like the way babies eat.

I thought of You Jesus. I tried to imagine the God of Creation, my Lovely Savior, hidden in her, with food smeared all over His mouth, and He unable to clean it off Himself. It was difficult. It is too much!

These dear souls walking the floors,( at least those who are still able to walk on their own,) having no comprehension . The man in the wheel chair, with the trachea tube hanging down the front of his shirt trying to mouth wordlessly to me, something I could not understand.

I don't understand anything. What is it about being human, that at the end of our time here on this side of eternity, so many of us are in this sad situation, and yet somewhere , somehow, there is a Sovereign plan unfolding for each of us.

I just keep thinking I don't understand, I am not qualified to do this.

Thank the Lord there are many wonderful workers who cheerfully meet the needs of these dear ones as best they can. They do a really great job, and serve these mostly forgotten ones with compassion, wit, and dedication.

I admire you, but I do not think I can be one of you.
How do you handle the pain ?
Yours at beholding this.
Theirs at enduring this ?
How do you keep your own heart soft in the face of this suffering ?

I wish I understood the "Why" Lord ?

Time Out

I am taking a time out from my blog.....don't know for how long.

Bye for now !

Did good on my test! Yay!
O.K. I got 97.4 % or 74 out of 76
(2 mistakes, it had to be the stress....right? yeh, right!

Another one next week!

A test every two weeks on 100 new 'elements' like
gastr- meaning stomach, and, ost- means bone.....you get the idea.

Then there are the combining elements like ECG is Electo/cardio/gram.
electric/heart/record.
Plus I must learn to spell these many strange words correctly.

My other class on Computer Upgrading is easier, no tests , just assignments.
Praise the Lord!

Come, let us return to the Lord.

as we rend out hearts, may you rend the heavens,
as we look to you, may you shine your glory
rend the heavens, rend the heavens, and come down,

please....

Psa 84:10 For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a door-keeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of the wicked.

It has been an interesting though tiring few days.

Last weekend I worked a lot of shifts, filling in for some as well as doing my own.
By Monday morning I was toast!


I was moaning to God how 'I can't do this any more'.....

My clients are lovely. One suffers from Alzheimer's Disease, and the other has Dementia. I was with them many many hours. It really is living in a different world. Not only meeting their needs physically and naturally, but existing in their 'world' or 'environment.'

Their main activity during most of my shifts is watching television after their day, and before bed time. The problem is they are both hearing impared , and at this stage of their diseases, they cannot comprehend a lot of what t.v. land has to offer.

Therefore, the t.v. volume is up to the max. and they keep changing the channel every few minutes looking for the news.

I do try to help them find the nine and ten o'clock news before bed time, and anything that will keep their interest like funniest home video's. I just discovered they like baseball as well.

While all this is happening I sit nearby at the dining room table close at hand . Sometimes I read.

This weekend I was attempting to study. I was reminded of the scene in the old Robin Hood movie , when he was trying to find the target with his arrow, and Maid Marion whispers in his ear, 'can you do it amidst distraction?

'Ack!! No whispering happening here ! Distraction ?....definitely !

All this to say, I was 'done' by the end of my shifts. I had been mentioning to the Lord that I would like a 'real job', so I could sleep regularly, and have a constant income.

On Monday morning, My Lady is telling a story at the breakfast table.
( I actually think she had dreamed this)

"I went for a walk, and met this neighbor who we used to live beside in Oakville. He was very rich, then, (here they try to remember how he got rich in the first place, but they could not remember, though they did know his name.)

He was buying a paper, and didn't have enough money on him, so he asked me if I could help him with a little change to buy a paper. So I gave it to him.
IT FELT SO WONDERFUL! I JUST HELPED THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD!"

My Lady's face was bright with a huge smile as she recalled this feeling, and I was pierced through by the Word of the Lord.

Yes, He IS the richest man in the world, and chose to remind me that he needed me here for a season, though it is just small change to me, He is in need... and I would rather be at His feet somewhere else. Hmmmm.....

Anyway, a good lesson for me, and I felt much better once I got some sleep.

I now have my official student card I.D. and have begun my Computer Upgrading classes, which I am enjoying a lot. Tonight I had my first test on Medical Abbreviations. Yes, I did memorize them and will know my mark next week.

Thursday, Sam and I are heading to Trenton to see our friend Lillian. I have been reading her 'The Old Curiosity Shop' by Charles Dickens. Lillian has macular degeneration and is legally blind, so she enjoys these times when our imagination can see into another time . I don't think Dickens knew or cared much for a lot of punctuation, I seem to be finding, at least in this book.

Small Change eh ? Hmmmmmm........

Wake Me Up

A whisper that must become a shout from my heart. Wake me up Lord!

While listening to a set from the house of prayer today, I was gripped by the cry of the Spirit.
Wake me up ! Wake me up! I don't want a' name' that I'm alive, when I'm dead on the inside. Wake me up!

I have accused You of being silent, I have accused You of being distant, when my heart is dull. Wake me up!

Times of testing, reveal the heart. Most times, it is not a pretty sight when we are faced with Truth Himself. Thank God for His Lovingkindness.

The thing that seems to keep getting tested in me, is ,WHO IS GOD ? REALLY ?

I want to walk in the True Knowledge of God. So many times, I seem to shrink wrap Him down to a package I can handle with familiarity.

In the pursuit of intimacy with Him, I can easily fall into the trap of loosing the wonder of the fact that the CREATOR of all things WANTS to reveal Himself, and have a Real Live, relationship with me. So he tolerates my dullness for a merciful moment, all the while wooing me toward REALITY Himself.

Lord Jesus, forgive me, for I have made You too small in my own eyes. I do not want a god made after my own imagination . I want to know You , The Living God.

In as much as there is none like You O Lord, You are Great and Your Name is Great in Might
Who would not fear You , O King of the nations? For this is Your rightful due. Jer. 10:6

Wash me with the water of Your Word Jesus. The entrance of Your Word brings Light , Wonderful Light.

Let Your Kingdom break in once again , into the deep places in me that are still dull and lifeless. Wake me up!

First Evening

Tonight was my first class on Medical Terminology. There were 27 other women in the room. We are taking a Hospital Secretary Course, and the first test is next week.

We must memorize 4 pages of abreviations.

As we were going through each one, I could feel something around me.
It didn't take me long to realize it was the collective tension of mostly mature women faced with the first test.
Mostly silent screams.....including my own.

Some things never change, so I had better get busy studying......and praying .

KNOWN

Known by One.

LIFE

I am captivated by the web sight of Heidi and Rolland Baker.






Children praying for Heidi before the message.


This child was healed . She was a deaf mute.
My heart is moved and deeply stirred when I read the accounts of God on the move. I miss You Lord! What will it take to see Jesus come freely among us I wonder ?

This is a bit from the latest newsletter that touched me deeply.

“Though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory” (1 Pet. 1:9).

Faith and joy are rare commodities among us, but valuable and precious beyond words. How extraordinary that we chase after other things in our meetings, at the expense of these. Our salvation is complete in Him, and we honor our God by not detracting from the all-sufficiency of the Gospel.

We trust Jesus to save us from ourselves. We trust Him to take initiative in and through us. All bright ideas come from Him, and He has no lack of them! We are set completely free from all pressure. There is no compulsion in His Kingdom.

In Jesus we are the crowning achievement of all His creative power. We find our greatest liberty at the point of His most complete control, where we are set free by His Spirit to do what is most spectacularly, ravishingly perfect.

We and our lives are the field of the activity of His mind, which we must never underestimate. We are the outcome and substance of His joy.
By His Spirit we partake of His pleasure, tasting the perfection of relationship that could rise only from His infinite imagination.
He delights in His own handiwork, which is our delight in Him.

How perfect is our God!

So in Africa we miraculously maintain a positive outlook in the face of the worst Satan can do. We lower ourselves in broken humility, only to rise in the joy of the Lord, more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

By taking pleasure in our God, we rout the
enemy.

In Bulgaria

Gypsies at the altar with Heidi in a freezing cold hall

Affectionate abandoned gypsy worship


You are welcome here Lord. Please come near us once again.

School Days

September.....2006.
Time for School. Anneka, Jared, Ryan, Joey, Grandma.
Yep!
Grandma's going back to school too. Not tomorrow, but next week.

I have decided that I need to take some positive steps towards an eventual improvement in my work situation / wages.

I have been trying to learn to type at home with Mavis Beacon, as well as an on line typing tudor. All this in preparation for classes at Fleming College . Computer Upgrading, and a Hospital Ward Secretary Course, all beginning next week.

I am praying for a clear mind, peace and supernatural enabling , for this old brain to get into a new gear.
We will see what God will do. I am looking forward to this new challenge, except for the pressure I have already put on myself to do well.
I need to give myself a break !

The courses are part time studies, so I will be able to continue to work.
Ack ! Help me Jesus! I'd rather be at IHOP.