Listening In

One of the responsibilities on my job is listening . During the nightime hours I must keep the monitor , situated on the headboard , ON and loud enough that I will be awakened when my people need me.

One of the main reasons is that when my lady has to use the commode, she needs assistance . Every time, she tells her husband not to bother 'the girl'. Well if 'the girl' does not get there quickly the chances that someone will fall and suffer a broken hip increase , which is one of the main reasons for the monitor and ' the girl' in the first place. You get the picture.

Anyway, recently I was awakened at 4 a.m. but instead of needing me in that moment, I was reluctantly forced to wait out some moments of loving intimacy between my lady and her husband of over 65 years. I am not kidding, he is 91 and she is 90.

At that hour of the morning there is no way that I could turn the monitor off to give them the privacy I would if this occured early in the evening. As it happened , he did try to get her up to the commode and had the bedside railing removed as I entered the room.

You can imagine my prayer as I listened and waited for the proper timing in such a sensitive situation.

After everyone was safely tucked back into bed, my thougts were captured by the truth that there is SOMEONE who listens and sees EVERYTHING ! He IS God and because that is exactly Who He Is , He listens, He sees , and is moved deeply in response to all that He is witness to .

I was thinking particularly about how He is witness to all our sinful behaviour (flashback to the past) but He made me aware that it is much more than that. He feels it all. He feels the terror of the violence and destruction that His children purpetrate upon each other.

He feels the cry of every child that is raped and molested, of the desructive brutality Satan inflicts upon His children, those created in His Image and Likeness. Just think if you were able to observe Satan beating the life out of your children.

His heart breaks, and He weeps with us. He hears our accusations of abandonment even as we reject His Gift of Jesus. Yet He never turns His heart away from our curses, rejection and unbelief.

I do not begin to understand the depth of our descent into self and brokeness that happened when man decided to take care of himself all those eons ago. It is a mystery to me. Someday it will end .

In the meantime, in the wee small hours of the morning I will choose to whisper words of loving intimacy to One So Beautiful as this Jesus. This God-Man who knows more than I can even imagine, exactly what each heart needs and experiences at every moment.

I will rest in His embrace adding my voice to all in creation who choose to welcome His Gaze , His Listening Ear, and His Responsive Heart. I will watch and listen with Him and join Him as He prays for us.

A Story Revisited

Once there was a girl who found herself very lost. In her tender years, this little one had known the destructive hand of abuse. Having lost most of who she was, her identity became twisted as she surrendered to the 'silence of survival'.
Her wounds were invisible, or so she imagined.

The place within her heart reserved for love alone , gradually disappeared, or so she imagined. She hid herself behind her walls,and from this place amidst the ruins of life, she remained small and unseen living her outward life mostly disconnected and became a 'Survivor'.


Psalm 105:17-19 "He sent a man before them, Joseph, who was sold as a slave. They hurt his feet with fetters, He was laid in irons. (his soul came into iron)
Until the time that his word came to pass, the word of the Lord tested him.

SUDDENLY LOVE FOUND ME!



The Journey began. Still I was a slave , though unknowingly. The years of captivity that lay ahead , hurt my feet with fetters, and caused iron to enter my soul. Held captive by fear, rejection, anger and yes, even hatred. Still You never left me Lord.

Now I realise those were the days formed in the crucible of affliction, that you were forming an 'Image Bearer'. Memories of rising early in response to the call of Your Spirit just to be with You, warm my heart even now. This was where you taught me how to survive and I fell in love with You Jesus. You kept me. You were there, though many times I was unaware of Your Nearness and Protection.

That was long ago Lord and we have come a long way since then, and still there are times when I feel the chaffing of wounds that once bound me. I hear the taunting voice of the counterfeit lover singing his song of seduction that would lead me back to the darkness.
Tonight I remember an old song from the past. You Light Up My Life ! How the words still ring clear in my memory. You Light up my life, You give me hope to carry on, You Light up my life and fill my heart with song.

Sounds a little sappy Jesus, but the days are darker and the times more perilous than even those former days, so now, more than ever I need You to draw near and Light the way as we walk together through another deeper valley. I will quiet my soul as You joyfully sing Your song over me in the night and I will dream again and fly again with You alone.

'LOOKS' Like a Sign

This is one of the views from my window. It is here that Sam sits observing those crazy squirrels dashing madly through the trees, all the while making it loudly known just who really IS the boss around here.



Today we saw this brave little robin sitting puffed up in these trees. There is plenty of food around and I heard that there were about one hundred robins that did not leave this year. This is the first one I have seen.



On Saturday, this little critter 'Rocky Raccoon' showed up at my sisters back deck for some cat treats. He went into hybernation late and now is up and eating early. It may be that spring is closer than it seems. I hope so.

Thank You

Thank you my friends for your encouraging comments. It will be a process and I remember saying to Lillian a while back that the pain remindes me that I have loved well. Better the sorrow now to prevent the numbness later.

So with the Lords nearness I will choose to let my heart experience all that will be involved in this next phase of the journey.

I finished my final exam in Anatomy tonight. I stayed up today studying even though I had a sleepless night at work, and nearly all the material that I was thinking I didn't know was all swooshed together in my brain .... turned out half wasn't on the test and the rest was so easy I could have had a good rest .

Oh well... and now here I am up late celebrating a few days off.

I have cancelled my trip to Toronto since I want to stay close to Sam and let myself begin to deal with the whole thing.
I need to work on my typing skills anyway. Transcription !!!! Lord have Mercy!

Sam

Today I found out that Sam has cancer in his right lung and a lobe of that lung has collapsed as well. I have known he was a sick little dog, but not having a clear diagnosis until now has allowed me to choose denial. Now I know.

Reality Bites I have heard. Needless to say, I will be trying to come to grips with this reality and will cherish all the time I have left with him. There is no definite time given and no treatment that is feasable financially and to be honest, anything that could be done would not make his quality of life better anyway.

He does still have his spunky times like the squirrel watching and cat harrassing. Yep...even in the vet's , barking at this huge dog that had just had surgery and had one of those big collars on, and then 3 cats in the waiting area.
I was amazed...... anyway....

I am grateful to the Lord for His Presence with me through this sad time, and appreciate your prayers if you think of us.

Waiting

Waiting. On God. On Springtime. Naturally and spiritually. Waiting.

I have never been very good at waiting. Never!

Psalm 40:1 I waited patiently for the Lord and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
Waited patiently...Hebrew word 6960 ..to bind together, be joined, to meet, to lie in wait for someone, to expect , hope, to be confident, trust, to be enduring (another kind of strength)

He heard my cry...'heard' (8085) to hear with attention, to give undivided listening attention. To hear spiritually.

So I wait, and God hears.

Really ?

Time passes and I think perhaps He has not really heard has not inclined and heard.

But I am wrong!

No matter what I am experiencing , believing, and enduring, the Word of God is Alive and Breathing and my Final Truth . I return to Wisdom clinging to this Reality and release the lies that have been taunting my steps.

Once again He will meet me there, bringing Comfort and Understanding. I will turn from being offended with His dealings with me and fall into His Embrace. I will not be afraid to let Him see my tears and frustrations. Jesus , You are my Safe Place to fall.

So, the journey continues. I am working this weekend beginning this evening , which means less rest and sleep. I never seem to get caught up somehow.
.... studying for my final exam in Anatomy next Wednesday evening, the half way mark in my course
...... practicing my typing skills, as the next course is Transcription
..... taking Sam to the vet on Monday for more X-rays and assessment . I want to know what to expect, and what to do in the meantime should there be an 'event'.

Then next weekend Sam and I will be heading to Toronto to visit Jack and Gracie, as well as visiting our good friends Carol-Ann, Kinza and Bruce.

In the face of the activities in the physical realm, my heart and all that is within me will be turned toward the Word, Jesus, who Sees and Hears. He sits on the foot of my bed and waits with me while I wait .

Fish

Last evening while Mr. was watching the hockey game, my Lady wanted to do something else. Today is her 90th. birthday , so I thought I would volunteer to play cards with her.

You have to understand the whole picture here .
The other Care Givers on their shifts have been sitting and playing cards with her, something she really enjoys.

B. has dementia and she really enjoys things that get her thinking .
She likes to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy , just to try to answer the questions . In her earlier years she taught school.

Anyway , as for me , I do not really enjoy cards and it has been many many years since I have even played at it , not even Solitare on my computer .

So I decided to sit with B. and let her remind me how to play 'Fish'.
A Lady with dementia teaching a 'girl' who cannot remember how to play any of these games.

Needless to say, hilarity broke out early on .
B. had her own rules, and they seemed 'fishy' (sorry :) to me , but since I wasn't sure , and really , am I going to argue with my sweet 90 year old 'teacher' on the evening of her birthday ?

I sensed the Lord nearby, absolutely cracking up, holding His sides with happy laughter and joy at my dilemma , as B. and I both appeared to be playing with dementia.
B. won ! What can I say ? We tried a couple of more games that she remembered , 'sort of'. She won those as well ! No, I did not 'let' her win.

My head was swirling with 'not remembering' , 'not knowing' but we laughed a lot . I decided to 'finish quickly' and excused myself by feigning fatigue .... and who wouldn't? Well , if I am honest , the other care givers , that's who, they seemed to have the stamina that I do not .

Funny though , perhaps strange is a better word , that 'swirl' around my head of 'not knowing', not being able to recall . Sometimes I think that the Lord shows me how it feels to be 'them', if only just for a moment . This has happened to me occasionally with one or two others . Just a 'teaching moment' to feel where that 'Dear One' lives all the time now.

It was fun, but I am going to find out how to really play Fish, though 'B.' is pretty convinced that her way is 'the' way ... what if she is right ?



Happy 90th. Birthday B. !

Busy Busy Busy

Sometimes blogging is the last thing I find time or desire to do these days.Last weekend was a weekend off so my two sisters and I went to 'The City' for the day. I drove to Scarborough where we parked the car, then took the subway to downtown Toronto...and back again.....It's fun to be with my sisters to shop, laugh and catch up.

This week I have another test in anatomy,so I have been studying and doing my computer homework.

The most fun I have had though has been trying to figure out how to split an mp3 file that is too long for a regular cd. so that I can burn it onto two cd.s enabling me to listen in the car since I do not have an mp3 player. I also want to be able to share these teachings with my friends.
I managed to split one and the first track turned out ok, but the second flopped. I will keep trying ..and I will figure it out eventually ....not homework but very challenging all the same.

Since the new year I have tried to get back to my basic devotional time with Jesus that had slipped away from me with all my 'overnights away' and the fatigue that comes with that life style. No wonder I get weak and discouraged when the Lover of my Soul does not have my hearts total focus in these perilous times.

Gary and Marie Weins have a new book out called "Reaching Your Power Potential, Authority on Earth as it is in Heaven." It is about the beatitudes.

Here's a bit....


Poverty of Spirit...Recognizing Our need for God's Presence

When Jesus came into the world He came as the normal human being, living as a man filled with the Holy Spirit in order to demonstrate what God had in mind when He created humans in the first place.

What God intends is that the life that He lived through Jesus is the same life He intends to live through us by the power of the Holy Spirit.

That's how I desire to live.To walk with the Father as Jesus did, in the strength and power of the Spirit, and by the Voice of the Holy Spirit be led step by step into the life He has for me. Not as easy as it seemed in the early days, but way more worth the effort to pursue this narrow way than I used to think when we would pray 'come Holy Spirit'and He would actually come at our simple asking.

It's late here, and I am beginning to babble, so I will rest now.

Thursday January 4 th. 2007.

Just dropping in for a brief update. I worked New Years Eve, since this celebration does not do much for me.....never has actually.

Instead I think back on the last year, meditate on the amazing way that God has carried me through so many challenges and trials. I am grateful Lord.

I also seem to spend a certain amount of time grieving over what I consider my many failures before letting it all go ...... again. Don't you love a clean slate ? It is always good for me to regain my Focus , to Maintain Eye Contact and Default to the Romance ! (I am really good at beating myself up)

Celebrated another birthday on Tuesday, with my sister and her children blessing me with a lovely dinner, a balloon tied to 'my' chair, chocolate cake and much love. JoAnne even locked her six cats in the bedroom, with an abundant supply of cat nip, so that Sam could walk around without feeling the need to 'take back the land'.

Sometimes when we visit I usually end up carrying him around because he just keeps behaving like a dog...barking and chasing those curious cats...who have been known to gang up on him.

Something funny that really works is this. Carol-Ann and Kinza have witnessed the truth of this phenomenon as well.... right girls ?


I put a towel over his head....and he seems to know that is his 'time out' and he leaves it on for quite a while, and usually he is on my lap, not on the stove as in the picture.


It can be very amusing at times....however he can throw it off just as quickly, usually when we are unaware while watching a movie or chatting, and suddenly he bounds out from beneath his 'safe place' in hot pursuit of the taunting felines.

A good time was had by all ..... Thanks Sis .

A New Year Begins

I came across this timely devotional and it seems good to me to mention on my last post of 2006.

From 'God at Eventide'

December 31 - New Year's Eve

Bring to Me this eventide the past year with its sins, its failures, its lost opportunities.

Leave that past with Me, your Savior today as ever, and go into the New Year forgiven, unladen, free.

Bring to Me your youth or age, your powers, your love -- and I, as your God-guide through the year to come, will bring My agelessness, My powers, My love.

So shall we share the burdens and the joys, and the work of the days that lie ahead.

Now to Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. Jude 1:24-25

A New Beginning...... into 2007 walking with Jesus . Happy New Year to all my friends and family.

I Needed to Hear This

Navigating the Crossroads
by John Paul Jackson


Many, many people in the Body of Christ right now are struggling with important decisions that will directly or indirectly affect every step they take after this. They aren’t little, general decisions about which in-laws should be visited this Christmas; they’re the to-move-or-not-to-move decisions — occupation decisions, life decisions.

A whole host of questions comes up in the process: At the cliff’s edge, do I run or take the plunge? Is this even the right cliff? Is there a “correct” way in this? What if I get it wrong? If I go right, will I be in sin? If I go left, will I successfully cut off my destiny forever?

Have you ever asked yourself questions like these before? I have. We make choices every day. We make them for the dark, and we make them for the light. We choose God, and we choose our soul, which is darkness.
Sometimes we choose the soul thinking it’s spirit, and we reject the spirit because we think it’s soul. But the more we mature in Him, the more time we will spend in the light, and the choices we make will be the light and life of the world!

Said a little differently, every choice we make will either lead us toward God or away from Him. That is how He set up our world to work and function. This is why the littlest choice we make, even just a teeny one, can open the floodgates of Heaven in our life. He takes the little we give Him and makes it a great thing.

That being said, how many of us live a life that oozes a deep, abiding confidence that God really is all-powerful and, therefore, really in control of everything? If we truly believed this, we would never worry about the questions in the first paragraph.
It wouldn’t be that we’d suddenly have all the right answers or know, without doubt, one thing from the next, but we would trust implicitly. Even if things didn’t turn out the way we’d anticipated, we would know that they happened the way they did for a reason.

This type of thinking evidences deep spirituality that comes only from the Holy Spirit of the Living God. All you have to do is make the right choice — one choice at a time, and it starts with choosing Jesus. There is no enlightened thinking outside of choosing Him!
There is no true knowledge outside of the knowledge that comes from Him. There is no holiness; there is no righteousness; there is no lasting power of any kind outside of Him. The problem is that we have limited what He can do for us because of our unbelief. That has to change!

How many of us have a deep, underlying faith that the decision we make today is really God’s choice for us? In making it, we simply discovered God’s choice. Even if it doesn’t turn out as we wanted it to, God still chose it because He wanted us to learn something we did not know.
Don’t worry about the questions you have. Is your Father able to take care of you? Yes! Take what you know and rest in Him. He is more powerful than you could ever know, and He really is in complete control of your world.

Thank You

My first stop this past holiday weekend was to visit with my lovely friend Carol-Ann and her family Bruce and Kinza. They had agreed to sit Sam for me while I spent a day with my son and his new bride, and their dog Maggie.


Meet Maggie...she's such a good sport.
Sam is not exactly socialized when it comes to other animals, so thus the need for a sitter.

This family are so talented musically, and the Lord used them to kiss me with His Nearness while Carol-Ann and Kinza practiced their music for Sunday service.

Silent Night is my very favorite Christmas Carol, and it has been a long time since my hair stood on end in response to the warm presence of Jesus while this lovely mother and daughter duo practiced.

Thank you so much Allen family for your loving me and my Sam. Bless you all in the coming year.

Christmas Memories

Christmas 1954, Dad was in Korea . We had had our baths and sat for this picture , behaving very well, to send to our daddy .

Many years later some very special memories.




Jason's first guitar.....do we remember Shaun Cassidy ???

1994 Sam's first Christmas


1996 Sam's second Christmas


Sweet Anneka ..... funny how time slips away.




Jared, Ryan, Anneka and Aila.

Another really great thing about Christmas Day is it is Ryan's Birthday.
Today Ryan turned six years old. Happy Birthday Ryan !

Christmas Joy

JOY IS GOD EXPRESSING HIMSELF IN THE FACE OF JESUS !

May His Face shine on all my friends and Family as we remember that
"IMMANUEL"..... GOD IS WITH US!
Merry Christmas and God Bless us every one!
I too will snuggle up in His Presence here.

Toronto

In a few hours Sam and I are heading to Toronto to spend a couple of days with Friends and family.
Then we are driving back Christmas Eve Day and I am working a long shift including overnight with my Lakefield couple.


Here they are, aren't they cute. They sit and hold hands for hours and hours, and have been married 65 years. The headphones on my Lady enable her to hear the television well.

Another fun thing happened yesterday when my lovely niece Holly gave me her old cell phone. Now I am truly hip, and I even bought a sparkling 'bling' case for it. Thank you Holly for your loving generousity.

,

More later. Must sleep to drive and not die on the 401 in a few hours.

For Carol-Ann

He has him in his sights

Sam has finally discovered the squirrel population around here. There are black ones, brown ones , and grey ones. They are everywhere , busy doing what ever it is that sqirrels do. Until recently Sam has not even noticed them.



In his old age,and being sick, he still has the 'little lion' in his heart. As for the blurry pictures, that is my doing, but Sam's attitude is clearly seen as he walks away.What a funny little guy !

I was moved by this posting from Lisa at The Uprising, and since I cannot always get the link thing to work, decided to dispay it here. I hope that's ok Lisa, I want to think on these things more than I have been. Thanks for the reminder.



My kid fell today. turned, looked, & saw my kid in full scream sprawled spread eagle on concrete. i dropped everything... and ran. i don't run. anyone you meet who knows me will tell you this. but i ran. after the comforting hug, washing of the scrapes, & some neosporin, he was off on his next adventure. i got to thinking about the prodigal son's dad running out to meet him. yeah, it makes total sense. my world stops at my sons urgent need... and to his urgent needy cry, i am captive to respond. i could do nothing else. it's in my d.n.a. i wonder if God is like that too.

And if the grief stricken, impaled by tragedy, are too wounded or angry to cry out, can we cry out for them? is this then the definition of intercession. if a nation, a people, or a person, becomes too broken or bound to even think of heading home, can we cry out for them? is then this the definition of intercession?

Dad, Joe is too broken & angry to cry out so i cry out on his behalf. Dad run out to meet him... where he is. Dad the people of Joe are too grief stricken & shell shot to lift up their heads toward heaven & cry out to you in their grief. Dad hear my cry on their behalf. Meet them as you would have met me. And if they share blame - forgive & have mercy & hurl in solutions - for Your name's sake

Yesterday when I arrived at work, I found a most pleasant surprise. A lovely , tall Christmas Tree sat in simple splendor in front of the living room window, lights on . A very welcome sight indeed .

The best thing about this tree is that is a "real" tree, and is giving off the most beautiful fragrance. Ahhhhh......

It has been a very long time since I have enjoyed that real tree ambiance. Thank You Jesus !

Later in the wee small hours of the morning I heard my Lady exclaiming in alarm," I dreamed that a man came into my room and told me that my time here was finished."

Needless to say, I have been awake since then and have been praying .

Ahhhh the memories.... Boney M Christmas Music....a flash from the past to be sure, but playing now as I get ready to go to work for the night.

How much I would rather be where Yvonne and Jason are tonight.(IHOP)

These overnights are a challenge. Not difficult , just tiring .
A very different kind of 'Night Watch'.

Now I must drop Sam at the sitters, so I am on my way. God Bless!

Musings and Memories

It was two years ago today that my Little Aunt T. went to be with the Lord. I miss her.
My time spent walking with her through the last stages of her life are a precious memory to me still. The very fact that the Lord sent me there at all is amazing and I am grateful for every step of the journey, no matter how difficult and terrifying.

Some days in our lives are "marker days". That is why remembering is important. All too often I can become overshadowed by the grip of past trauma. This is not the case today. I am just quietly thankful for the whole journey, even the bumps and camel rides, not to mention the watering of same. (Genesis 24:19-20.)

There have been times in my life when I feel that the Lord has asked me to :


This has never, ever been an easy decision and I know there have been many unintentional woundings and misunderstandings along the path, with many regrets as well.

I am not only talking about leaving my beloved children and grandchildren,and the birthing of the Sanctuary House of Prayer, but unhealthy ways of thinking and believing, fears of making a mistake, all the 'what if's' that can so easily cause me to stumble and tempt me to be offended in my journey.

Learning to trust Jesus has actually been the whole point most of the time, and discovering His Faithfullness every step of the way is becoming my Joy.
The Truth I keep coming back to is that He IS Who He says He IS, and His Word is the Absolute Truth , no matter what I am experiencing, and, no matter how much the enemy would try to have me accuse Him and believe otherwise.

HE DOES SEE IT ALL, and HE DOES CARE !And He moves in my behalf.

Some time ago I found a word on Mair's blog and as I was reading it again today felt the Nearness of His Presence encouraging me to remembering my story.

Pack nothing.
Bring only your determination to serve and your willingness to be free.
Don’t wait for the bread to rise.
Take nourishment for the journey, but eat standing, be ready to move at a moment’s notice.

Do not hesitate to leave your old ways behind, fear, silence, submission.
Only surrender to the need of the time, to love justice and walk humbly with your God. Begin quickly, before you have time to sink back into old slavery.

Set out in the dark. I will send fire to warm and encourage you.
I will be with you in the fire and I will be with you in the cloud.
I will give you dreams in the desert to guide you safely home to that place you have not yet seen…. I am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way and to learn my ways more deeply.

Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings that even your closest friends will have to learn your features as though for the first time.
Some of you will not change at all.

Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth and feel abandoned by you.
Some will find new friendship in unlikely faces, and old friends as faithful, and true as the pillar of God’s flame. Sing songs as you go, and hold close together.

You may at times grow confused and lose your way, touch each other and keep telling the stories .

Make maps as you go, remembering the way back from before you were born…. So you will be only the first of many waves of deliverance on these desert seas.
It is the first of many beginnings of your Passover. Remain true to this mystery.

Pass on the whole story. Do not go back.
I am with you now and I am waiting for you.

Known By God

Jer.1:5 BEFORE I formed you in the womb I knew you; BEFORE you were born I set you apart.

Is.49:1-2 The Lord has called me from the womb ; From the matrix of my mother He has made mention of my name , and He has made my mouth a sharp sword ; In the shadow of His hand He has hidden me.

Psa 139:13 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration--what a creation!
Psa 139:15 You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Psa 139:16 Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

As I continue on in my classes, I am more and more astounded at the amazing way we have been created.
As my heart worships My Creator and my mind tries to comprehend His ways concerning my journey, I stand before Him totally undone ..again.

My second course has started , Anatomy and Terminology. Flash back to high school to the time I dropped Latin. Well....latin is back in my life and my brain is stinging from a full day of studying for my first test next week. It will take a while to get in the rythym of that ancient language. It's a good thing there are pictures!

After this , in February, I will be taking Transcription, so I am trying to learn to type with ALL my fingers. It's driving me crazy!!! I have been practicing for a while and still have so far to go. Help me Lord !
On the other hand in my computer upgrading class, I have taken basic Excel, and Power Point, which I love ! It is so much fun creating powerpoint presentations. the only problem is I don't have Office 2003 on my computer, and can only use the college computer while I am there. If anyone has a copy of Office around I sure would like top 'borrow'it for a bit.

On the home front, times are skinny here, with having to pay rent, buy gas to drive to work, food and medicine for Sam, I haven't much left for food for myself.
Tonight the lady I rent my room from showed me great kindness, and cooked a little meal of chicken, small little round potatoes and corn, with a side salad, and brought it to my room for me. Delicious ! Amazing. Thank you Ann!

Phi 4:11 Not that I speak as to need, for I have learned to be content in whatever state I am. ( I am not here yet, am I Lord ?)
Phi 4:12 And I know to be humbled, and I know to abound; in everything, and in all things, I am taught both to be filled and to hunger, both to abound, and to lack.(So I am in more than one school these days.)

Grandma's Happy Day

I received a beautiful letter from Anneka today via snail mail.

Thanks to Oma Trudy for mailing it to me. It is good to be remembered.

A very happy day for this lonely Grandma.

I love you and miss you a lot Anneka! Your love made my day today.

Thank you Sweetie. I will phone you tonight.

The Word Became Flesh

He was touchable, approachable, reasonable. And what's more, He was ordinary. If He were here today you probably wouldn't notice Him as walked through a shopping mall. He wouldn't turn heads by the clothing he wore or the jewelry he flashed .

"Just call me Jesus," you can almost hear him say.

He was the kind of fellow you'd invite home to watch the game at your house. He'd wrestle on the floor with your kids, doze on your couch, and cook steaks on your grill.He'd laugh at your jokes and tell a few of His own.

And when you spoke , He'd listen to you as if He had all the time in eternity.
(Max Lucado)

Shopping

This past Saturday I drove my sister to the Scarborough Town Center for some Christmas shopping. Here in Peterborough the shopping centers are so small and kind of lame.

I should have known better than to think that I would be able to enjoy this event with my foot still in the early stages of healing.

So while my sister and neice shopped I ended up sitting on the benches with an interesting mixture of other weary shoppers. One lady sitting next to me, at one point called someone on her cell phone, and I heard her say 'When are you coming out of the store?' I laughed to myself and thought that was a very good use of a cell phone. It worked for her too, as she got up immediately and went her way.

As the hours moved slowly on , I just watched the people. Most adults were in their own world, with their walls up. But the children ! It was so fun to make eye contact with the little ones, the beauty of their innocence so clearly evident in their eyes. I smiled at them and enjoyed their reactions.

One amazing thing I noticed was that I was a visible, or perhaps I should say invisible, minority. There was not much English being spoken either, and I thought about what the earth might have looked like back when the everyone spoke one language.

Well.... I was sitting there a very long time, and didn't have a book to read.

In the midst of all the people , Christmas decorations, Santa and even the Christmas music, I felt very alone and very, very sad. I wasn't sure why, and almost burst into tears at one point. Maybe it was an intercession, or maybe it wasn't.

I have absolutely no desire to do Christmas this year. I cannot afford to buy gifts for anyone. (Yes, I know it's not about the gifts.)

I will not be able to see my children and grandchildren. I wish I could work. I will spend the day with my sister and her children, and try not to feel jealous as her adult kids love on their mom, which they do frequently and are visibly generous in their affection towards her.

As I talk to the Lord about all the raw feelings that I seem to be generating this year, I am reminded about the fact that I need Him to deal with anything in my heart that will hinder His having all of me.

I am reminded that I am 'bent', and that it is my nature at times to look sideways at others for approval and love, when I was really created to keep my eyes up and focused on my Father first, for everything I need.

In the past my I found my identity in being a mother. I lived for my children and loved pouring my life out on them. No regrets there !

That was only a role ,a season in my life , and not my true identity which I can only find in Jesus. Sometimes, I still function out of that other place, and find it difficult to lay aside.

So that's how it is for me this year. My first year away from Anneka and Aila and the boys as well.

Times and seasons change, and so I am reluctantly letting the Lord have His way, knowing He is keeping me, even if I am not too happy about the plan at this moment.

No wonder I am limping. At the end of the day, I am determined to come up leaning on My Beloved. Then I will know it was worth the pain in the journey.

Dear God

I want to live before Your Gaze
I want to live before Your Eyes